Who I Am: I Warned You

The quote “When someone shows you their true colors, believe them” comes to mind too often.  A few weeks ago, in the midst of ridiculous, unavoidable madness I found myself inexplicably dragged into, I kept reciting this quote.  No, I didn't think they were bluffing when I first saw their colors all of those years ago and save the blind, others are finally opening their eyes to see the authentic hues too.  Still, there are none so blind as you who will not see. 

I kept thinking that I needed to get back to writing and needed to jot down the numerous thoughts running through my mind; then I remembered that I’d already done so in Who I Am: The Warning –nearly five years ago.  As I read what I’d written so long ago, every point rang true still and I realized that who I am at the core has not changed at all –others have.  Or worse, they still don’t even know who they are.  I read it and was disappointed and angered and hurt all over again as I thought of things that have come to light as of late.  Of the things I’ve had the misfortune of learning over the past couple of months.  That those who I thought knew me better than anyone else, don’t actually know me at all.  That I am far too loyal to undeserving people.  That relationships that I thought would never bend, are irrevocably broken. 

I’m not a complicated person by any means.  Quite the opposite actually.  I thought I made it clear years ago and quite a few times since and though my previous points remain the same, there are others that need to be spelled out and added to the list:

• I firmly believe that you need therapy –for so many reasons that have nothing to do with me.
• Don’t ambush me.  Ever.
• I say what I mean.
• I do what I say.
• I consider others before I act or speak.
• Unlike most, I actually attempt to see and understand things from all perspectives involved.
• I don’t say anything behind one’s back that I haven’t or wouldn’t say to their face.
• An apology in which you still don’t actually get “it” means nothing to me.
• I don’t need an apology in order to forgive you; I forgave you long before you apologized.
• I despise drama and therefore despise anyone who tries to force it upon me.
• After a resolution is reached for some drama related issue, I loathe it being brought up again –for any reason.
• I cannot stand people who possess the “woe is me” personality.
• I am not malicious or vengeful.
• I don’t hold grudges. 
• I can only deal with so much before I completely break.
• When I reach the point where I have nothing left in me regarding a certain person or circumstance, I won’t ever get “it” back.
• Painful as it may be, I am capable of admitting and accepting defeat.
• If you are never wrong and are always the victim, I automatically distrust you.
• I don’t believe in doing something or not doing something because of the popular “excuse,” “but that’s your sibling/ cousin/ aunt/ uncle/ friend.”  And?
• I am the same across the board with everyone (siblings/ cousins/ aunts/ uncles/ friends).
• I do not and will never attempt to have a rational conversation, much less argue, with an irrational person.
• I firmly believe that you need therapy –for so many reasons that have nothing to do with me.

That being said, those who know me know they don’t want to be exposed to my “bad” traits.  They don’t want to lose my loyalty or support or for me to reach my “done” point.  I’m not going to bad-mouth you, seek revenge, or hit you (as much as I might like to).  I’m not going to curse you out, argue with you, or let you see me get riled up.  That’s not me at all and you’re not worth my energy to refute.  No, you simply won’t exist to me anymore.  I can’t bad-mouth, seek revenge, or hit someone who ceases to exist.  It’s really that simple.  I realize this stage may be awkward for others to be around and will try my best to avoid said nuisance altogether.

I can honestly say that my biggest flaw is that I can’t go back to how things were before the final nail was hammered into the proverbial coffin.  I wish that I could forgive and forget and go back to how things were, but I can’t.  As stated before, I don’t function that way.  Yes, I forgive you.  No, I’m not angry.  But I do remember the countless events that led me to this point and am no longer able to trust you or your judgment or your actions where I am concerned.  I’m exhausted and drained and frustrated and I have no fight left in me and nothing left to say.  And our relationship will never be the same.  And it is heartbreaking.

I tried to warn you, verbally and in written form.  Multiple times.  But alas, here we are.

Paris, je t’aime

I’ve had an infatuation with all things French and Parisian for quite some time now.  I have no idea what first piqued my interest, but something did and it’s only increased since.  Granted, my infatuation seems to decrease, or rather, I get busy and forget how much I love it from time to time.  Then, I see a movie or hear a song and I remember how much I love all things French.

A couple of weeks ago, I was lying in bed watching “Sabrina” thinking about how much I love Julia Ormond as an actress.  I did a quick IMDB (I love that site/app) search and realized that while I do in fact love Julia Ormond as an actress, I was thinking of Paris born, Juliette Binoche.  An IMDB search on Juliette Binoche showed me that I’ve seen quite a few of her movies, but there were many more of her French language or Parisian based films that I still needed to see (based on their reviews).  So I did what anyone would do: ordered them on Amazon.  Of course I couldn’t stop there though, I ordered a few other “we recommend” French or Paris based films.  And oh, I had to buy the highly rated “French in 10 Minutes a Day” book too.  Darn you, Amazon.  (And thank you.)  But I digress.

I was online for hours going back and forth between IMDB, Google, and inevitably Amazon looking up and purchasing the best French/Parisian films.  Lucky for me, I’d already seen several of the films on many lists I came across:

• Midnight in Paris

• Caché
• Paris, Je T'aime
• Chocolat
• Before Sunset
• 2 Days in Paris
• La Vie En Rose
• Amelie
• Paris

My freshman year of high school, when I had to take a language, I registered for French.  Unfortunately for me, my mom found out and switched me to Spanish because it was “more practical” and, all things considered, she was right.  Unfortunately for both of us, my school’s Spanish teacher’s first language was French; he spoke English 99.97% of the time he taught my class; and most assignments were to be written in English.  Needless to say, in two and a half years I learned absolutely no Spanish and no French.

Some years later, I went to Paris for about a week and officially fell in love.  The people, the culture, the language, the accent, I loved it all.  I was only there for a brief period of time, but after day one, I could see myself living there.  One day, perhaps.

Every time I start thinking about the next place I want to visit, I keep circling back around to Paris and other parts of France, but mainly Paris.  Yes, I’ve been there.  Yes, there are numerous other places I’d love to visit.  Yet and still, my heart lies in Paris.

Been a While

I knew I hadn't written a blog in quite a while, but I definitely didn't realize that it'd been over 2 years since my last post.  Goodness, what the heck have I been doing that's kept me from posting anything?  Too much.  Nothing at all.

I guess the saying is true: Time flies when you're ... living.  Wait, that's not right ...

Busted

My “give a damn” busted. I can’t pinpoint the exact day it happened or what served as the straw that finally broke the camel’s back. I do know however, that it happened almost five months ago and that it was not just one thing or person that caused it. Rather, it was a series of events and various people (again, I’m not sure exactly who or what event it was) that led to my “give a damn” being busted beyond repair.

One thing I’ve always hated about myself is that when I’m “done” with something or someone, I’m “done”. Granted I never get to that point based on one or a few circumstances; it’s always due to a string of actions usually over quite a lengthy period of time. Still though, I hate the fact that I can and do get to this point at all. I sometimes wish that I could just look the other way time after time or hear the same bit of nonsense time after time or listen to the same complaint time after time or deal with childish pettiness time after time and not grow beyond tired of one’s maturity depreciation or complete lack of personal evolution.

My “give a damn” busted where many things and people are concerned. I just can’t do it anymore. I just can’t. It’s far too draining on me. I don’t give a damn about:

• Hearing you complain about your job every time I hear from you when you’re doing absolutely nothing to change it.
• Hurting your feelings; get over it.
• Listening to you talk about your sexcapades as though I’m supposed to think of you as anything but trashy; am I supposed to still respect you?
• Whether or not you think I’m being too “harsh” regarding certain people or situations.
• How badly you need a man or woman for you to be “happy”; how about finding “you” first?
• What you think about me.
• Hearing about or bearing witness to the desperation of so many to be in romantic relationships –as unhappy as they might be –for the sake of being in a relationship.
• What you think I should be doing with myself.
• Providing my opinion (especially on the occasion that you ask for it) on all matters concerning you; time and again it’s only proven to be a waste of my breath.
• Things you complain about and could control, but choose not to.
• Hearing about, talking about, or doing the exact same stuff I was years ago.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not heartless. No, not entirely anyway. I still care about what’s going on with people and how they’re doing as long as what’s going on with them doesn’t solely consist of the same nonsense they’ve mentioned countless times before over many years. I do still enjoy holding conversations with people about various topics as long as the conversation hasn’t taken place countless times before over many years. I’m not saying that people don’t discuss the same stuff time after time, year after year; I do realize that there are things or people that are constants in a person’s life and those things or people will be discussed routinely. No, my "give a damn" has merely busted for those things listed above (and some others I’m sure, that I can’t seem to think of right now) that could be changed or helped or fixed, but aren’t and never will be.

Twin Envy

My twin and I figured you should know why each birthday is so special to us (among the obvious reasons of being alive and whatnot), so we figured we'd fill you in.

26 years ago ...

Randall: As you know, I'm older than Alicia ...

Alicia: By one minute.

Randall: I'm telling the story!

Alicia: Fine, carry on ...

Randall: Thanks. As you know, I'm one minute older than Alicia. Now, one minute doesn't seem like such a big deal, but in reference to July 13, 1984 and the story of our birth, it is.

On a fine Friday (yes, we were born on Friday, the 13th) morning in the middle of July, during the summer Olympics, our mom went into labor with yours truly. At the time she went into labor, me and Alicia were fighting for the best spot to get out first; unfortunately, her being the bigger twin at the time, she won that battle.

Alicia: Hahaha, you were so frail!

Randall: Shut up and let me finish!

Alicia: Fine!

Randall: So like I was saying, she won that battle. But ha! Little did she know that we weren't coming out the "normal" way! So, when the doctor made that incision, I threw an elbow at her head and gained the number 1 spot! When I came out, I didn't see her flailing around anymore and, not wanting her demise on my conscience, I dove back in, grabbed her chunky foot, and dragged her out! In one minute flat! One minute!

Alicia: *shrug* He did.

Randall: So yeah, I saved Alicia's life. And that's why I'm one minute older.

Alicia: I wouldn't have needed saving if you hadn't thrown the cheap shot at my head!

Randall: Whatever. It's not my fault you wanted to try to punk me for that other position. Ha! Joke was on you!

Alicia: Whatever.

Randall: Anyway, that's the story of our birth. The TRUE story of our birth.

Alicia: Yup, true story.

Gradually

You helped me out once upon a time and provided an opportunity for me to get my thoughts together and so I gave you a chance far longer than I would have many others. However, time and again you proved that you didn’t deserve chances: in the way you treated your family –particularly your mother and sisters; the few friends you had; even yourself. I’ve stumbled upon many jackasses in my life thus far and I must say you, Sir, take the cake –by far.

When I see you, I have absolutely nothing to say, because over the years I’ve gradually and completely removed myself from the equation …

There was a time when I called you about any and everything and confided in you almost more than I did any other person. I’m sure I had my moments when I was quite demanding, but I like to think those demanding moments were mutual between us. As time wore on, we both evolved and unfortunately, I think that our evolution led us along drastically different personality paths. I guess that’s to be expected to some extent, but it’s become more and more difficult for me to cope with such differences. I’m unable to deal with your constant need for recognition in even the moments that have absolutely nothing to do with you; the moments that truly belong to someone else, but are stolen by you.

I have no right to ask you to change who you’ve become and who you truly are, so instead I’ve gradually removed myself from the equation …

The last few years have been rough on you and I understand your reasons for withdrawing from people. That being said, I don’t understand your reasons for keeping your son from people; nearly all attempts to get in contact with you, if only to see if you’re okay are shunned, and attempts to contact or hang out with your son are averted. I used to try to see him: to take him out every now and again; to let him know that though he doesn’t see certain people too often, they do still love and think about him. More often than not, those attempts proved futile. Again, I understand that you’ve had a tough time, but I can’t comprehend why you make it impossible for your son to see people.

Though these decisions make no sense to me, they must to you; so until you are ready to rejoin the world, I’ve gradually removed myself from the equation …

It seems as though I’ve known you forever; I’m unable to recall a time in my life in which you weren’t a part of it. We’ve done many things together and yet nothing at all. I know or knew virtually everything about you and though outsiders assume that the reverse is true as well, it definitely isn’t. Although you can be a really sweet person at times, I realized some time ago that among other unflattering characteristics, you were extremely petty and immature: I’ve witnessed far too many accounts that have served to ascertain my assumptions. As of late, your actions, while not shocking to me, have been appalling to others and for them have served as a segue from your once bubbly, poised, and often fake personality to the petty and immature person I’ve known you to be many times before. Though we get along perfectly fine and I do like seeing and talking to you when an ulterior motive is not present, I can’t shake the notion that someday soon, your pettiness and immaturity will be directed towards me and our friendship will cease to exist. I’ve known you forever, but only one of us seems to have matured past the age we were when we first met.

Things don’t seem to be going your way and because you’re doing it yourself, I don’t need to gradually remove myself from the equation …

I realize that we’re similar and yet very different people. That being said, I can’t grasp what it’s like to want or need a man all the time. I just don’t get it. Yes, you’re fully capable of functioning without one, but the world is aware of how much not having one at all times affects you. It’s cool if you need one at all times, but I don’t; nor do I feel the urge to talk about one or my lack thereof at all times.

Until you truly find yourself, I’m gradually removing myself from the equation …

You are the most self-centered, backstabbing, conniving, fake person I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing. It’s unfortunate, but it is definitely the case. I would never wish the “real” you upon anyone –friend or foe.

I’m guessing that shortly after you plotted your extraction from the lives of everyone you knew, I gradually removed myself from the equation that is you …

I wonder how many people know you get down how you get down. There was a time when I used to think that you were all or mostly talk, but at some point, I realized that you actually walked the walk. That’s not a compliment. Though I’ve asked you a few times why you do the things you do, the answers that I receive inevitably come down to the fact that you don’t know –or so you say. I know you’re young and you’re having fun, but this isn’t the age when such things need to be done so lightly. Your lack of regard for your own safety, health, and reputation is not okay and I just don’t get down like that.

Hopefully you’ll figure things out one day, but until then, I’ve gradually removed myself from the equation …

Bird of Summer

I’ve been sitting here listening to Alicia Keys’ How It Feels To Fly for far too long now. Just sitting here. Staring at my computer. Trying to figure out how to start a blog about “revelations” of sorts. A few things have crossed my mind, but I’ve realized that the main thing that’s on my mind right now is the same thing that’s been on it for months: various thoughts about my life and how it’s been affected and permanently altered over the past year and some weeks. Altered in a good way, mind you (though it doesn’t always seem like it). Altered in ways that leave me agonizing over decisions I’ve made and things I have or have not said. And though I’ve spent countless hours rehashing the ways that things have unfolded for me over the past year, sometimes (albeit very briefly) regretting choices I’ve made, I know that I really have no regrets.

So I find myself sitting here yet again. Thinking. About the same person and people that I’ve thought about at this time for months now. For one of those people, years. Not in a stalker type of way or anything. No, not at all. More so in a “What if” type of way. I lie in bed, attempting to sleep, but unable to do so because my mind has once again returned to those thoughts which it’s been unable to escape as of yet. Even on nights when I am completely and utterly exhausted, my mind drifts there, if only for a shorter stay than usual. And I think about things and how they played out and like the previous nights before, find that I have no regrets and am finally able to fall asleep. Why I can’t skip this draining thought process since I know that it’s going to have the same ending every time, I do not know. I’m not sure I’ll know what to do with myself when I finally figure that out. No, my mind takes me on the same journey, filled with questions and longing, every night.

I pray about it as I do every night and then sometimes, when my thoughts seem unbearable, I throw on my headphones and listen to my “One of those days” playlist. The only problem is, sometimes I still can’t fall asleep because the songs are hitting home so much. Tonight is one of those nights. I figured I’d get up and write about things that have been revealed to me and others over the past month, but as I stated earlier, I couldn’t even focus on that. So I’m sitting here, typing and listening to my trusty old playlist:

A Fine Frenzy
1) Almost Lover
2) Think of You
3) Last of Days
4) Swan Song
5) Bird of Summer

Sugarland
1) What I’d Give
2) Fall Into Me
3) Wishing

Kelly Clarkson –Sober

Alicia Keys –How It Feels To Fly

Leona Lewis –Better in Time

Hard as it was, I finally moved past the sole Alicia Keys song. All of the songs are great and appropriate for this playlist for the same, but various reasons, but tonight, the lyrics from How It Feels To Fly stood out more than the other songs; the lyrical significance varies from day to day. Although I LOVE the entire song, my favorite lines are “Have you ever felt so lost/But didn't know until you were found?” I just love it.

It’s funny how one’s mental state works: I never missed it before; never longed for it; never gave it much thought at all. However, since it was introduced to my life, I miss it always; I long for it often; I think about it all the time.

“Three months and it's still harder now …”

Who I Am: The Warning

Who am I?

• I am the most loyal person you’ve ever met.
• I am the most honest (brutally so) person you may come to know.
• I am the most caring person you’ve met.
• I am someone who loves deeply.
• I am the most generous person you know.
• I am sure of myself.
• I am spontaneous.
• I am confident in myself.
• I know who I am now and who I want to mature to be in the years to come.
• I am a person who does not second guess herself.
• I am open-minded.
• I am non-judgmental.
• I am a woman who does not hold grudges or seek revenge.
• I am that woman who does not forget.
• I am someone who remembers why I stop dealing with a person and if asked, could recount the laundry list of “things” that led to such a decision.
• I am a person who does not need accolades.
• I am someone who doesn’t need recognition.
• I am someone who prefers to remain in the background.
• I am sometimes easily annoyed.
• I am irked by people who always seem to “forget” things that are clearly spoken about, often.
• I am the best listener you could wish to speak to.
• I am very introspective.
• I am compassionate.
• I am the one who, though I may not follow it, will respect your opinion until you give me reason to no longer respect you.
• I am not to be confused with your other friends; I guarantee that my relationship with you is not like the one you have with them.
• I am one of a kind.
• I am evolving as a person and could only continue to surround myself with those who are evolving as well.
• I am your best friend until you make me your enemy.
• I am that person who once done with you, is done with you for good.
• I am grateful for all that I am and for all that I have.
• I am that person you don’t want to screw with.

How I operate:

• Though there are times in which I am easily annoyed by a person or situation and though I don’t second guess decisions once they are made, I am reflective in my decision-making process. When I do find that my mind jumps to a certain conclusion or has a particular reaction to something or someone, I stop and think about the situation from every angle imaginable. If I feel that there is a chance that I still may be a bit rash in my thought process, I ask the opinion of one or two of a select few people whose opinions I value tremendously. Thinking this way and asking for others’ opinions on the rare occasion that they’re needed assures me that the response I do verbalize (which is generally my first reaction) is a rational one.
• I do not intentionally set out to hurt anyone or make fools of people, so I do not think too much about you if I hurt your feelings. Whatever I may have said was spoken in honesty and out of love. If you’re sensitive, you’ll get over it. If you think you have thick skin and you find your feelings a bit hurt, you’ll get over it. If you find that you simply can’t handle my brutal honesty, move on to a new friend.
• I respect you and your wishes and expect you to offer the same courtesy. Because I am very private when it comes to my personal life, I expect you to know that I don’t want personal matters posted online for the world to see; when I tell you these things after the fact, I don’t expect them to happen again. Once they do, I realize that you simply don’t respect my wishes and as a result, I am no longer capable of respecting you as much.
• You who allow me to by myself, who allow me to be all of the “good” things that I am, who know that I will never intentionally hurt you, who realize that I analyze and re-analyze things I say before I actually utter them, know never to screw with me; there’s no need to. There’s no need to “try” me, to see how far you could push my buttons, to see how long it will take until I finally snap. You who know me know that you don’t want me to snap.
• I care about you. I love you. I worry about your well-being. I am here for you at any time of any day. I will support you. I ask for nothing in return. I don’t ask, but I do advise that you don’t screw with me; don’t try my generosity, my love for you or someone else, my good intentions, or any of my other “good” traits. You don’t want to be exposed to those which are considered “bad.”
• On the occasion that you repeatedly try me or what I stand for or aspire to represent through my life, I will cut you off. Rest assured, it will be a difficult thing to do. It will. But it will be done, nonetheless. Contrary to your belief, I do not enjoy cutting ties with people I love or once loved dearly, but at this stage in my life (and I’m sure this sentiment will only increase), I love myself too much to deal with people who only seem to pull me down. So while I do not enjoy eliminating people from my life, I dare you to screw with me on too many occasions; purge you from my life, I will.

How this pertains to you:

• You’d be wise to remember who I am.

Part 2 - Who I Am: I Warned You