Who I Am: I Warned You

The quote “When someone shows you their true colors, believe them” comes to mind too often.  A few weeks ago, in the midst of ridiculous, unavoidable madness I found myself inexplicably dragged into, I kept reciting this quote.  No, I didn't think they were bluffing when I first saw their colors all of those years ago and save the blind, others are finally opening their eyes to see the authentic hues too.  Still, there are none so blind as you who will not see. 

I kept thinking that I needed to get back to writing and needed to jot down the numerous thoughts running through my mind; then I remembered that I’d already done so in Who I Am: The Warning –nearly five years ago.  As I read what I’d written so long ago, every point rang true still and I realized that who I am at the core has not changed at all –others have.  Or worse, they still don’t even know who they are.  I read it and was disappointed and angered and hurt all over again as I thought of things that have come to light as of late.  Of the things I’ve had the misfortune of learning over the past couple of months.  That those who I thought knew me better than anyone else, don’t actually know me at all.  That I am far too loyal to undeserving people.  That relationships that I thought would never bend, are irrevocably broken. 

I’m not a complicated person by any means.  Quite the opposite actually.  I thought I made it clear years ago and quite a few times since and though my previous points remain the same, there are others that need to be spelled out and added to the list:

• I firmly believe that you need therapy –for so many reasons that have nothing to do with me.
• Don’t ambush me.  Ever.
• I say what I mean.
• I do what I say.
• I consider others before I act or speak.
• Unlike most, I actually attempt to see and understand things from all perspectives involved.
• I don’t say anything behind one’s back that I haven’t or wouldn’t say to their face.
• An apology in which you still don’t actually get “it” means nothing to me.
• I don’t need an apology in order to forgive you; I forgave you long before you apologized.
• I despise drama and therefore despise anyone who tries to force it upon me.
• After a resolution is reached for some drama related issue, I loathe it being brought up again –for any reason.
• I cannot stand people who possess the “woe is me” personality.
• I am not malicious or vengeful.
• I don’t hold grudges. 
• I can only deal with so much before I completely break.
• When I reach the point where I have nothing left in me regarding a certain person or circumstance, I won’t ever get “it” back.
• Painful as it may be, I am capable of admitting and accepting defeat.
• If you are never wrong and are always the victim, I automatically distrust you.
• I don’t believe in doing something or not doing something because of the popular “excuse,” “but that’s your sibling/ cousin/ aunt/ uncle/ friend.”  And?
• I am the same across the board with everyone (siblings/ cousins/ aunts/ uncles/ friends).
• I do not and will never attempt to have a rational conversation, much less argue, with an irrational person.
• I firmly believe that you need therapy –for so many reasons that have nothing to do with me.

That being said, those who know me know they don’t want to be exposed to my “bad” traits.  They don’t want to lose my loyalty or support or for me to reach my “done” point.  I’m not going to bad-mouth you, seek revenge, or hit you (as much as I might like to).  I’m not going to curse you out, argue with you, or let you see me get riled up.  That’s not me at all and you’re not worth my energy to refute.  No, you simply won’t exist to me anymore.  I can’t bad-mouth, seek revenge, or hit someone who ceases to exist.  It’s really that simple.  I realize this stage may be awkward for others to be around and will try my best to avoid said nuisance altogether.

I can honestly say that my biggest flaw is that I can’t go back to how things were before the final nail was hammered into the proverbial coffin.  I wish that I could forgive and forget and go back to how things were, but I can’t.  As stated before, I don’t function that way.  Yes, I forgive you.  No, I’m not angry.  But I do remember the countless events that led me to this point and am no longer able to trust you or your judgment or your actions where I am concerned.  I’m exhausted and drained and frustrated and I have no fight left in me and nothing left to say.  And our relationship will never be the same.  And it is heartbreaking.

I tried to warn you, verbally and in written form.  Multiple times.  But alas, here we are.

Twin Envy

My twin and I figured you should know why each birthday is so special to us (among the obvious reasons of being alive and whatnot), so we figured we'd fill you in.

26 years ago ...

Randall: As you know, I'm older than Alicia ...

Alicia: By one minute.

Randall: I'm telling the story!

Alicia: Fine, carry on ...

Randall: Thanks. As you know, I'm one minute older than Alicia. Now, one minute doesn't seem like such a big deal, but in reference to July 13, 1984 and the story of our birth, it is.

On a fine Friday (yes, we were born on Friday, the 13th) morning in the middle of July, during the summer Olympics, our mom went into labor with yours truly. At the time she went into labor, me and Alicia were fighting for the best spot to get out first; unfortunately, her being the bigger twin at the time, she won that battle.

Alicia: Hahaha, you were so frail!

Randall: Shut up and let me finish!

Alicia: Fine!

Randall: So like I was saying, she won that battle. But ha! Little did she know that we weren't coming out the "normal" way! So, when the doctor made that incision, I threw an elbow at her head and gained the number 1 spot! When I came out, I didn't see her flailing around anymore and, not wanting her demise on my conscience, I dove back in, grabbed her chunky foot, and dragged her out! In one minute flat! One minute!

Alicia: *shrug* He did.

Randall: So yeah, I saved Alicia's life. And that's why I'm one minute older.

Alicia: I wouldn't have needed saving if you hadn't thrown the cheap shot at my head!

Randall: Whatever. It's not my fault you wanted to try to punk me for that other position. Ha! Joke was on you!

Alicia: Whatever.

Randall: Anyway, that's the story of our birth. The TRUE story of our birth.

Alicia: Yup, true story.

Trinity

As of September 13th, I’ve officially been out of California for three years. Three years. Sometimes it seems like it’s been much longer than that and other times, it feels like I moved out here only yesterday. Though I’ve become greatly tired of this town and nearly all things that it does not have to offer, I know that I wouldn’t have grown and learned so much had I never moved out here.

Three years in this town has left me with a bittersweet taste for it –more bitter than sweet. Year one was scary and exciting and different from what I considered “normal.” Year two was one that enabled me to really learn more about the people in my life; the ones I could live without and the ones I couldn’t; the ones who disappointed me like I expected they would; the ones who turned out to be full of it and the ones who turned out to be liars; the ones who were too negative to talk to too often, if ever; the ones who were more uplifting than I could ever be. Simply put, year two was a challenging year for various reasons.

I was doing okay this past year, ready to go home, but okay –until my brother and cousin came out here and pointed out all of the things I’d mentally suppressed over the past couple of years: “Why does everyone drive the same speed?” “Why is no one ever in a hurry?” “Why does everyone smoke?” “The radio stations suck.” Etc., etc. Since they asked and said these things, my road rage (which I picked up out here) has been horrible and my tolerance for most things “Pittsburgh” has gone completely out the window.

With each passing day I’m over “it” more and more: I’m over the fact that most people I’ve come across consider bar-hopping every weekend to be rather enjoyable and have NO desire to do anything else. I’m over the fact that people don’t realize how little they actually do due to the bar-hopping issue. I’m over the way my lungs collapse almost every time I step out of my car because of the insane amount of smokers. I’m over the underwhelming desire of people to step outside of the city to see the rest of the world –not even for a vacation (no, West Virginia, DC, Ohio, and Maryland do not count). It wouldn’t be so bad if these were “older” people or people who have already experienced other parts of the world and what it has to offer; people who have done things outside of bars and have realized that they simply prefer the bar scene to everything else. No, these are people who have never done anything, never seen anything, and have no desire whatsoever to do so. I’m over it all.

I still find it mind boggling that once again, Pittsburgh is the number one city in the country to live in. Yes, there are many wonderful museums and a few lounges and galleries spread throughout town. Yes, there are countless bars. No, violence doesn’t seem as bad out here as it is in many other places. Yes, the Steelers and Penguins are here and both won their respective championships. Yes, the skyline is beautiful and the bridges boast their own mystique. But uhhh, what else? Dang near everyone smokes cigarettes and/or is grossly overweight. Once you’ve seen the museums a time or two, the novelty disappears. It seems like public schools are closing left and right each year and the city is tailored to two groups of people –one more so than the other. You can hike, camp, and fish nearby, but if you want to do something other than those three things, you’re in for a good little drive. But apparently, it’s the best city in the U.S. to live –go figure. I suppose if I were raised inhaling cigarette smoke and puffing a few myself, bar hopping, drinking beer while watching the Steelers and Pens games, and hiking or camping on occasion, I’d love this place. However, as someone who has not lived in a bubble her entire life, this town is for the birds.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a HUGE Steelers fan and always have been and I didn’t start watching hockey until I got out here, and I was excited when they won the Cup. I still find the skyline and the drive into the city to be breathtaking. I often have my moments (frustrated as I might be) when I’m driving around town and am stunned by the beauty that the city (well, the trees) has to offer. I’m still taken aback by the bright green leaves of spring and the colors of the fall and the purity of a fresh winter snowfall. I still find it crazy wonderful when it starts storming like mad completely out of the blue for a quick few minutes. I love the crispness of early fall mornings that give way to pleasantly warm and sunny days that return to cool and crisp evenings upon nightfall. I’m still amused when I step outside on sunny winter days and am slapped in the face by the cold because I forgot for a quick moment, that though the sun is out, it’s still winter.

Though the entire year has been one of prayer, growth and realizations, I’d say the past few months have been the culmination of my evolution out here. The months have been ones of unexpected firsts, further realizing who I can live without speaking to or seeing regularly and those who I hope to never have to –well, anytime soon anyway. Since meeting and working with many wonderful people at fantastic jobs, I’ve finally begun to get a grasp on the direction of the next phase of my life and how I’m going to get there. I’ve got a short while left in this town and though I’m anxious to go, I’m grateful for what I’ve learned about myself and others to this point in my life. The next few sure to be stressful months are going to be long, but quick, and full of anticipation, frustration, and much thought and I welcome it.

Refresher -Year Two

Eyes Wide Shut: Year Two, September 2008

September 13th marked the two year ‘anniversary’ away from what I thought I knew and would always miss and I must say, that my outlook on year two in Pittsburgh differs quite a bit from that first year here. Sites and seasons are no longer new and I no longer consider myself to be a stranger caught in the rapture of such naiveté. Instead, I can wholly say that this past year was one abounding with submission, frustration, anger, sorrow, confusion, and wishful acceptance and what I’ve realized, is that I have absolutely nothing to say about this past year.

Refresher -Year One

In a day or so or maybe later today, I’ll be posting my blog about my third year in Pittsburgh. So that you know what the past couple of years were like, I figured I’d refresh you on years one and two:

My Year in the Hole: Year One, September 2007

September 13^th marked the one year "anniversary" of my leaving California for a world virtually unknown to me …

Fall 2006 –First Impressions:

I've learned the true definition of a Steelers fan: One who would literally die for the Pittsburgh Steelers and that 99.99% of all Pittsburgher's are Steelers fans who considers the mere mention of another team to be pure blasphemy –you'd dare not wear another teams insignia; that the same people that have yet to learn that the earth is in fact round, can tell you that Franco Harris, Lynn Swan, Terry Bradshaw (in two different Super Bowls), and Hines Ward were the MVP's in Super Bowls IX, X, XIII, XIV, and XL; that tailgating does not begin one, two, three or more hours before a particular game, but that it begins 20 minutes after the last game of the previous season; that even when the 2006 MLB All-Star Game was in Pittsburgh, the only sports memorabilia of any kind to be found anywhere, were Steelers items; that it is in fact possible to bleed black and gold -I've seen it ... on two separate occasions; that during football season, and every other day of the year for that matter, I often feel unworthy of declaring myself a "Steelers fan;" that if Jerome Bettis says anything –at all, it's as if his words were taken directly from the Bible; that …

For the fist time that I could remember, I actually had to wear some sort of jacket once October hit. I was so used to it still being a "warm" 80^o at that time of the year. Ha. I guess that's why so many of my family and friends in Cali do not own any form of outerwear –it's simply not needed.

Fact –unable to be disputed: That in the fall, day or night, but especially at night, the Pittsburgh Skyline is, by far, one of the most breathtaking visions I have ever seen. Ever. Period.

Fall! Oh my gosh! A stunning rainbow of leaves on the trees … on the ground … on my car! I actually have to wear a jacket! And those Steelers games –sixth row! Pshhh, just plain tight!!! Oh my gosh, I'm glad that I moved out here! …

Winter 2006/ 2007 –What the Hell?:

Everyone in Pittsburgh smokes. EVERYONE. Okay, save 3% of the city's population. In restaurants, right outside of all buildings, walking around –I thought smoking was banned in and around most places! I guess that's a Cali thing. Beats me. I swear they'd sell the "world's best: cigs and coffee" as a special at diners if it were possible.

I am now willing to state under oath that fall, winter, spring, and summer are actually seasons and that there are really places in which temperatures do in fact fall below 60^o on a winter night. I never thought the day would come when I could honestly say that for a good part of the year, I was looking forward to the temperature rising back up to 10^o, but after a few occasions of 10 below with a wind chill of 15 below, I've learned that you never know until you know. What I'll never understand, is how in below zero weather, everyone STILL smokes! That, I just don't get. I mean, the cold makes it hard enough to breathe anyway, is the added smoke in the lungs really that necessary? Geeze, my asthmatic behind cain't hardly breathe on a nice sunny day as is. I don't know. I'll get a headache thinking about this anymore, so let me move on …

Fact –still unable to be disputed: That in the winter, day or night, but especially at night, the Pittsburgh Skyline is, by far, one of the most breathtaking visions I have ever seen. Ever.

Ugh, this darn snow! Bare trees. Bare … everything! Cold ass weather. Dang depressing is what it is. Why. the. hell did I move to frikkin Pittsburgh, Pensyl-damn-vania?! Geeze, I couldn't just visit, could I? Ol' non-thinkin', spontaneous ass …

Spring 2007 –Epiphany:

After months of studying, I finally learned that a parkway is not a freeway. It's a parkway.

A parkway is not a freeway.
A parkway is not a freeway.
A parkway is not a freeway.
A park…

Whoever said that phones could in any way suffice for having an actual sit-down conversation with someone is CRAZY!! No way in hell that my talking to my twin every day makes up for seeing him even once a month. NO WAY. There's no way that talking to my cousins once a day, week, or month makes up for our monthly bowling and Denny's sessions. No way. There's no way that chatting with my sister and friends, whenever we're able to "catch" one another, is the same as hanging out and talking or chillin' 'til all hours of the night. No.way.

From the time I first returned (after six plus years) to Pittsburgh in June of '06, before my actual move here, I found it wonderfully rare to instantly become "best friends" with someone I hadn't seen in thirteen years and never even really knew then. I find it a blessing still, to be able to be stuck in a beautiful but foreign land with them for ten consecutive days for the full 24 hours of each day and be able to emerge with my sanity intact; to be ready to do it all over again at a moments (and few months pays) notice; to come back closer than ever; to be able to have a cousin that's more like a sister.

Don't get me wrong, I miss my twin, my other siblings, parents, and numerous other west coast relatives and friends so much more than words can ever convey, but I'm beyond glad to have at least one person where I am now that is like all of them rolled into one. Well, except for the twin –he's in a category all his own.

Fact –even still unable to be disputed: That in the spring, day or night, but especially at night, the Pittsburgh Skyline is, by far, one of the most breathtaking visions I have ever seen. Period.

Ahhh, goodness, flowers! Still snowing for whatever reason, but it's nice to see nature coming back to life. My allergies are KICKING MY ASS! Eh, comes with the territory, I guess. The snow's gone! It's starting to warm up! It's a clear 70^o today –dangit I want to go to the beach! I've never missed the beach so much in my life! I don't know what was wrong with me –only going a few times a year. Ha, the things you take for granted ...

Summer 2007 –Lessons Learned:

It's crazy to me how alike my Pittsburgh relatives and I are (well, some of them, anyway) and how similar my mom is to her sister, whom she didn't really grow up with and seldom sees now. Genetics are just crazy to me. Plain crazy.

Okay, Pittsburgh to New York City is NOT as close as I once thought. Well, okay, that's the wrong thing to say. Let me rephrase; the drive from Pittsburgh to New York City (and back) is in no way comparable to the drive from Los Angeles to oh say, Sacramento/San Francisco/whatever. I mean, good gracious, time-wise? Sure, they're about the same. But the scenic route or lack of any kind of decent scenery makes the drive to NYC seem so much longer than it actually is. Granted my NASCAR driver of a cousin does make for excellent company on any road-trip, but WOWSERS. I guess I won't be driving to Connecticut anytime soon. Geeze, I don't even want to imagine that drive. Sorry, Sleaze. Hmm, perhaps a fall drive would be better –I've got to think about that one.

All summer long, I was trying to figure out which of the four seasons was the worst one. Well actually, which of the three seasons: winter, spring, and summer were worse –fall is hands down the best. Now, one would think that winter, with all of it's snow and black ice and sub-zero days would be the worse, but uhhh, I'm not so sure. This spring, my allergies were at an all-time … horrible. And this summer, what with the 90^o and 90% humidity with an instant thunderstorm thrown in the mix days, my asthma killed me. I tell ya, I've never used my inhaler so much in my life! I mean, common sense says to "wear a jacket if it's raining," especially since umbrellas don't always work with that "sideways" rain. But when it's that dang hot and humid, what do you do?! Wear a jacket and just be remarkably hot? Stay inside? I don't know. So yeah, I'm still trying to figure out what was worse: Icy roads, a depressing landscape, and stupid cold weather, but no allergy or breathing issues? Dry roads, blooming flowers and trees, and suitable temperatures, but ultra bad allergies? Or the ultra clear skies and warm weather, but hardly being able to breathe? I don't know. I just don't know. Screw it –I'll just call it a three-way tie.

My whirlwind week home for the annual family beach trip (and because it'd been forever since my last visit) was GREAT! Exhausting, but great. I can't tell you how refreshing it was to see people with natural tans. I'd almost forgotten what they looked like. I'm so used to seeing so many spray-on, salon going orange folks out here, that the permanently tanned Californians were, simply put, visually pleasant. Orange/Oompa-Loompa-ness? No, thank you. I'll just be pasty-pale until my return to the west coast…

Fact –bona fide: That in the summer, day or night, but especially at night, the Pittsburgh Skyline is, by far, one of the most breathtaking visions I have ever seen. Come out here and try to say otherwise. Humph, not possible.

Dangit! I'm missing everything back in Cali! Mom's graduation … niece's graduation … cousin's wedding … Awww, I'm depressed. I am NOT missing the beach trip though! Not a chance in hell I am missing that. Ugh, why am I out here?! Cain't dang breathe …

Fall 2007 –Full Circle:

As I stated earlier, I have officially been in Pittsburgh for a full year now. Some days I regret my decision to leave. Some days I'm glad I left while I had the freedom to do so. Some days I find myself yearning to see and talk to my twin in person. Some days the phone is just fine. Some days I miss summer year-round. Some days I enjoy falling leaves, a fresh snowfall, new growth, and even humidity.

I've gotten to know so many details about my mother's side of the family and where she came from and I feel that as a result, in a sense, I've gotten to know my mother. I've met a multitude of cousins that I never even knew existed and as one of my brother's puts it: "It's like [I] have twice as many relatives now" and though I rarely talk to most of them for various reasons, it's still nice to know that they're out there and that I now know what they look and sound like –even if I never see them again …

If nothing else, I can say that my time here is "an experience:" All four seasons –that alone was worth the move; a new "best friend;" finally, truly appreciating where I came from –my family that I didn't fully cherish and their eternal support, my smoggy and grossly congested, yet magnificent, natural surroundings, and my life in general …

Fact –a year later: That in the fall, day or night …

The next time I decide to up and do anything even remotely this darn random again, Bisha better do her job …

Cookies

If your first batch of kids were cookies, they’d be thrown out. They’re either too sweet, too nutty, too salty, too soft, overcooked, or all of the above and I just can’t stand to stomach them. Catch me on the right day and I might be able to force a bite or two down, but catch me any other time and my taste buds are going to reject it on contact.

Let’s say you’re baking cookies while you’re watching television or doing something else and you don’t pay as close attention as you ought to be: Rather than pouring one tablespoon of salt, you look and see the ¼ cup that goes with the sugar and you instead use that measurement for the salt. You finish the directions adding more nuts than the recipe calls for simply because you want to get rid of the little bit that’s left in the bag. And that’s okay, right? Well, you think so until that batch of cookies comes out of the oven and cools a little and you take that first bite. You immediately spit it out wondering how you bit into a warm, round block of salt and nuts. You kick yourself, but realize that the salt mistake could happen to anyone not paying attention and you didn’t realize that there was such a thing as “too nutty.” Apparently, there is.

You decide to try it a second time because you really want some homemade cookies, so you head to the grocery store to buy the necessary ingredients yet again. Because you have to spend more money and time to make the cookies a second time, you tell yourself that you’re going to pay attention so that you get it right. And you do just that. You triple check all of your measurements to make sure they are exact –nothing more, nothing less. After removing them from the oven and waiting just a few minutes for them to cool, you take that anxious bite and are in heaven. They’re as perfect as any cookie could be and you pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

Though the cookies are wonderful, a few hours later, you realize that you’ve had your fill and the next day, you only want one cookie and the day after that, you don’t want any. But a day or so later, you’re in the mood for few cookies yet again and though they’re a couple of days old, once zapped in the microwave they’re just as delicious as they were on day one –perfect.

With the first batch of cookies, you didn’t pay much attention to the directions and you were too busy to realize it and as a result, they were salty, sweet, and nutty and you had to toss them. You know that the way they turned out was because of you, but still, you knew you could get them right. And you did. You paid close attention to the directions and were careful in what you put into the batter and though you’re not always in the mood for them, the cookies are as perfect as they could possibly be.

*Disclaimer: In no way am I actually suggesting that people be thrown away.

Think of You

You’ve traveled from one end of the country to the other and not on your own accord. I always assumed you were headed down that road, but it still amazed me to some extent when it came to fruition. It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you and I really hope that you’re doing well –well, as well as you possibly can be. Hopefully, time is passing by relatively quickly.

Please, know that I think about you often …

Lately, well, for at least a month now, I’ve had this nagging feeling that something bad is going to happen to you. I don’t know what because it always changes and I don’t know when or why, but it’s there. The feeling creeps upon me and when it starts to scare me, I say a prayer or two and it goes away for a while, but inevitably returns. I don’t know what the deal is, but it’s there.

I love you and think about you often …

I do know that you don’t care whether or not I read all or any of your posts or whether or not I’m not up to date in my reading, but I do. And it bothers me when I can’t keep up and right now, I have much to catch up on. I look forward to following your inescapable rise to the top and I’m glad to have had the opportunity to meet you. And I absolutely love the way in which you conclude each post which only adds to my reading pleasure as I draw near to that point.

Alicia, who thinks about you often …

Because of you, I find myself uncertain of actions and thoughts that were once certain. I question future steps and after running each possible scenario, still am entirely unsure of what to do and I’m at a loss. Do I call someone and ask their opinion of the day’s particular quandary or do I just wing it and go with the flow? I generally choose the latter –though going with the flow takes much more planning than it ever should. I’m uncertain and uncertainty has never suited me.

Yet I think about you often …

I find myself staring at old photos remembering you when all I’m really remembering are vague ideas I have and vivid images that others have painted for me about you. I think about how things might be if you were still around; how lives would have unfolded if you’d never gone. I stare at the photos and wonder how drastically different things would be. Or would they? And I wonder and hope that to some extent, I really do remember you.
After all, I think about you often …

To you whom I’ve never met, or have I? Yes, I believe they said I have met you though I’ve seen no pictures of the two of us together. Since I was far too young to remember such an encounter, I’ve never considered myself to have met you. I hear stories about you and can’t help but feel a tinge of regret at not knowing such a wonderful person. Each time I hear something about you, I think about them and their childhoods and how they’ve gotten to where they are today.

And though we’ve never met, I think about you often …

Often, I find myself reminiscing about childhood friends and get-togethers and have found that my mind always rests on you. I try to recall things that we used to do, games we used to play, the trouble we avoided and didn’t avoid and I get frustrated that so many memories are scattered and unclear. When I can remember the good times we once had, I am saddened by the knowledge that those days and times are long gone. Though I’ve bumped into other family members of yours, I’ve yet to run into you anywhere.

It’s been years, but I think about you often …

I’m blessed to have known you my entire life. The insane things we invented as children and the dangerous charades we took part in still light up my day when I think about them. I wonder where the future will take us and am reassured by the knowledge that you will always be there for life’s next adventure. Whether it makes any sense at all is of no consequence to us. We can go weeks or months not speaking, but it’s though no time at all has passed once we finally do.

Whether or not we’ve conversed in any way, I think about you often …

I love you and miss you dearly. It seems as though I often find myself remembering how wonderful of a woman you were. From what I remember and could see at the time, you were a wonderful wife, mother, friend, and second “mom” to your children’s friends. As much as I miss you and think about you, I can’t even begin to imagine how your family must feel and all I can do is pray for them. Though I know you are at peace and are in a better place, my eyes well and often turn to full out tears whenever I think of you.

You will always hold a special place in my heart in which I’ll think about you often …

Old Folks and Babies

• I still can’t figure out how elderly people and babies live in Pittsburgh, well, cold weather in general, I guess. I just don’t get it. All winter long, especially on the too frequent occasions that I have to step outside of my apartment, I’m trying to figure out how people get used to the madness that is this weather. I can’t imagine having to bundle up a little kid in 16 layers of clothes just to run to the grocery store. And those poor kids, they’re the ones that get to peel off that stuff when they get to school or wherever. Sucks for them. But then I think about retired folks or those who are past their prime and I think about how much I’d hate to have to take my slower self outside for any reason. Then last night, as my car was sliding around all over the place and my brakes were of no use as I drove home from work in beyond stupid weather, I realized that it sucks for people in the middle too (not babies and the elderly). I mean, we’re the ones that do a good deal of the driving and running of errands and whatnot. Nonsense.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know; people who grow up in snow or stupid cold weather are used to it. When peeling off layers of clothes is all they know as a kid, it’s just another part of life when they’re a teenager and adult. I guess they get used to carrying a ridiculously large bundle of a kid whenever they have them. I guess they get used to carrying their slightly frail body outside in their later years.

Whatever, this shit is for the birds. What’s that mean? No clue, really. Something my cousin said once (and many times since) that just … made sense.

Anyway, I can’t figure out how anyone ever gets used to this madness –babies, elderly, and folks in the middle.

Though it was nice for classes to be canceled today, this shit is for the birds.

• On another note, my frail twin, Superran, ran a dang half marathon last weekend. He ran the entire thing because it was 'easier to run than walk'. I need to get on his workout status. I keep meaning to ask if his roommate ran the entire thing too; though I assume his hyper go lucky ass did.

• I am so very happy that I have another place to stay the next time I’m back home. Shout out to G.G. for finding Bisha’s spot!

• I absolutely love my Management Sales and Strategies course. At least I do at the present time. Yesterday: personality analysis. Next week: analyzing high and low self-esteem. Great stuff. I had so many epiphanies about certain people while in class yesterday. It was ridiculously wonderful. I’m beginning to understand why some people are always such assholes/b!tches –and not in a ‘haha funny’ way. As of now though, those people still get on my last frikkin nerve. But yup, lovin’ the class.

• What is the deal with all these guys with the name ‘Eric/Erik’? My dad, brother, my sister’s guy, my cousin’s guy, the homie’s unofficial guy. The list goes on and on. Are there no other names out there?

• I got a text the other day that cracked me the hell up: “In 2008, if you have sent me chain texts, prayers, or promises, NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED. In 2009 please send cash, food stamps, and gas cards.” Funniest text I’d gotten in a long while.

Eyes Wide Shut

September 13th marked the two year ‘anniversary’ away from what I thought I knew and would always miss and I must say, that my outlook on year two in Pittsburgh differs quite a bit from that first year here. Sites and seasons are no longer new and I no longer consider myself to be a stranger caught in the rapture of such naiveté. Instead, I can wholly say that this past year was one abounding with submission, frustration, anger, sorrow, confusion, and wishful acceptance and what I’ve realized, is that I have absolutely nothing to say about this past year.

Life Goes On ...

It hurts like I’d imagine ripping duck take off my pubic area would. Oh wait, I guess that pretty much sums up waxing. Hmm, never mind. Scratch that thought.

It hurt, and I cried. It hurts and it’s going to for a good while longer. It’s only just begun …

This Usher cd knocks. I’m still stuck on that Hootie & the Blowfish cd, too. It’s Hootie in the car, Usher in the crib …

Not doing things that I’ve grown accustomed to doing for years now, is going to be extremely difficult. Breaking habits and steering clear of “the norm” will take some time to adjust to.

It’s going to be interesting and probably painful still, to see where things are in a few days/weeks/months …

I’m not mad; I just have nothing to say. Well there’s plenty that I’d like to say (most of which has already been said a few times already), but I’m tired of speaking only to have my words blocked by that invisible wall in front of your ears.

July 17th can’t come soon enough …

OT of that Pens game last night was crazy insane. I don’t even really watch hockey (which explains why I skipped all three periods of regulation), but sudden death, triple overtime, one game away from elimination in the Stanley Cup Finals! Yeah, those triple OT periods were rather entertaining.

Sex and the City was a really good movie. Yeah, I can stand to see that a few more times. I hope a few people I know take the time to see it too. One site said of the flick: “[I]t’s the perfect movie to possibly refresh your relationships with your girlfriends…” Ain’t that the truth? But yes, very good movie.

I’m so drained …

“Oh, but life goes on
And before too long
You figure out you're right where you belong …”

“Cinderella made me realize that I can’t trust white people. White people can’t even trust white people.” Lol! Sharee is too dang funny … and can break down a Disney flick like no one else. Really. Talk to her when you’re feeling down.

It hurt. It still does. There's nothing to compare it to.

I’m so ready to bounce back to reality in a month in a half. I miss hanging out with the family and friends who really know and appreciate me …

July 17th can’t come soon enough. But until then, it’s back to life, back to reality …