My twin and I figured you should know why each birthday is so special to us (among the obvious reasons of being alive and whatnot), so we figured we'd fill you in.
26 years ago ...
Randall: As you know, I'm older than Alicia ...
Alicia: By one minute.
Randall: I'm telling the story!
Alicia: Fine, carry on ...
Randall: Thanks. As you know, I'm one minute older than Alicia. Now, one minute doesn't seem like such a big deal, but in reference to July 13, 1984 and the story of our birth, it is.
On a fine Friday (yes, we were born on Friday, the 13th) morning in the middle of July, during the summer Olympics, our mom went into labor with yours truly. At the time she went into labor, me and Alicia were fighting for the best spot to get out first; unfortunately, her being the bigger twin at the time, she won that battle.
Alicia: Hahaha, you were so frail!
Randall: Shut up and let me finish!
Alicia: Fine!
Randall: So like I was saying, she won that battle. But ha! Little did she know that we weren't coming out the "normal" way! So, when the doctor made that incision, I threw an elbow at her head and gained the number 1 spot! When I came out, I didn't see her flailing around anymore and, not wanting her demise on my conscience, I dove back in, grabbed her chunky foot, and dragged her out! In one minute flat! One minute!
Alicia: *shrug* He did.
Randall: So yeah, I saved Alicia's life. And that's why I'm one minute older.
Alicia: I wouldn't have needed saving if you hadn't thrown the cheap shot at my head!
Randall: Whatever. It's not my fault you wanted to try to punk me for that other position. Ha! Joke was on you!
Alicia: Whatever.
Randall: Anyway, that's the story of our birth. The TRUE story of our birth.
You helped me out once upon a time and provided an opportunity for me to get my thoughts together and so I gave you a chance far longer than I would have many others. However, time and again you proved that you didn’t deserve chances: in the way you treated your family –particularly your mother and sisters; the few friends you had; even yourself. I’ve stumbled upon many jackasses in my life thus far and I must say you, Sir, take the cake –by far.
When I see you, I have absolutely nothing to say, because over the years I’ve gradually and completely removed myself from the equation …
There was a time when I called you about any and everything and confided in you almost more than I did any other person. I’m sure I had my moments when I was quite demanding, but I like to think those demanding moments were mutual between us. As time wore on, we both evolved and unfortunately, I think that our evolution led us along drastically different personality paths. I guess that’s to be expected to some extent, but it’s become more and more difficult for me to cope with such differences. I’m unable to deal with your constant need for recognition in even the moments that have absolutely nothing to do with you; the moments that truly belong to someone else, but are stolen by you.
I have no right to ask you to change who you’ve become and who you truly are, so instead I’ve gradually removed myself from the equation …
The last few years have been rough on you and I understand your reasons for withdrawing from people. That being said, I don’t understand your reasons for keeping your son from people; nearly all attempts to get in contact with you, if only to see if you’re okay are shunned, and attempts to contact or hang out with your son are averted. I used to try to see him: to take him out every now and again; to let him know that though he doesn’t see certain people too often, they do still love and think about him. More often than not, those attempts proved futile. Again, I understand that you’ve had a tough time, but I can’t comprehend why you make it impossible for your son to see people.
Though these decisions make no sense to me, they must to you; so until you are ready to rejoin the world, I’ve gradually removed myself from the equation …
It seems as though I’ve known you forever; I’m unable to recall a time in my life in which you weren’t a part of it. We’ve done many things together and yet nothing at all. I know or knew virtually everything about you and though outsiders assume that the reverse is true as well, it definitely isn’t. Although you can be a really sweet person at times, I realized some time ago that among other unflattering characteristics, you were extremely petty and immature: I’ve witnessed far too many accounts that have served to ascertain my assumptions. As of late, your actions, while not shocking to me, have been appalling to others and for them have served as a segue from your once bubbly, poised, and often fake personality to the petty and immature person I’ve known you to be many times before. Though we get along perfectly fine and I do like seeing and talking to you when an ulterior motive is not present, I can’t shake the notion that someday soon, your pettiness and immaturity will be directed towards me and our friendship will cease to exist. I’ve known you forever, but only one of us seems to have matured past the age we were when we first met.
Things don’t seem to be going your way and because you’re doing it yourself, I don’t need to gradually remove myself from the equation …
I realize that we’re similar and yet very different people. That being said, I can’t grasp what it’s like to want or need a man all the time. I just don’t get it. Yes, you’re fully capable of functioning without one, but the world is aware of how much not having one at all times affects you. It’s cool if you need one at all times, but I don’t; nor do I feel the urge to talk about one or my lack thereof at all times.
Until you truly find yourself, I’m gradually removing myself from the equation …
You are the most self-centered, backstabbing, conniving, fake person I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing. It’s unfortunate, but it is definitely the case. I would never wish the “real” you upon anyone –friend or foe.
I’m guessing that shortly after you plotted your extraction from the lives of everyone you knew, I gradually removed myself from the equation that is you …
I wonder how many people know you get down how you get down. There was a time when I used to think that you were all or mostly talk, but at some point, I realized that you actually walked the walk. That’s not a compliment. Though I’ve asked you a few times why you do the things you do, the answers that I receive inevitably come down to the fact that you don’t know –or so you say. I know you’re young and you’re having fun, but this isn’t the age when such things need to be done so lightly. Your lack of regard for your own safety, health, and reputation is not okay and I just don’t get down like that.
Hopefully you’ll figure things out one day, but until then, I’ve gradually removed myself from the equation …
I’ve been sitting here listening to Alicia Keys’ How It Feels To Fly for far too long now. Just sitting here. Staring at my computer. Trying to figure out how to start a blog about “revelations” of sorts. A few things have crossed my mind, but I’ve realized that the main thing that’s on my mind right now is the same thing that’s been on it for months: various thoughts about my life and how it’s been affected and permanently altered over the past year and some weeks. Altered in a good way, mind you (though it doesn’t always seem like it). Altered in ways that leave me agonizing over decisions I’ve made and things I have or have not said. And though I’ve spent countless hours rehashing the ways that things have unfolded for me over the past year, sometimes (albeit very briefly) regretting choices I’ve made, I know that I really have no regrets.
So I find myself sitting here yet again. Thinking. About the same person and people that I’ve thought about at this time for months now. For one of those people, years. Not in a stalker type of way or anything. No, not at all. More so in a “What if” type of way. I lie in bed, attempting to sleep, but unable to do so because my mind has once again returned to those thoughts which it’s been unable to escape as of yet. Even on nights when I am completely and utterly exhausted, my mind drifts there, if only for a shorter stay than usual. And I think about things and how they played out and like the previous nights before, find that I have no regrets and am finally able to fall asleep. Why I can’t skip this draining thought process since I know that it’s going to have the same ending every time, I do not know. I’m not sure I’ll know what to do with myself when I finally figure that out. No, my mind takes me on the same journey, filled with questions and longing, every night.
I pray about it as I do every night and then sometimes, when my thoughts seem unbearable, I throw on my headphones and listen to my “One of those days” playlist. The only problem is, sometimes I still can’t fall asleep because the songs are hitting home so much. Tonight is one of those nights. I figured I’d get up and write about things that have been revealed to me and others over the past month, but as I stated earlier, I couldn’t even focus on that. So I’m sitting here, typing and listening to my trusty old playlist:
Hard as it was, I finally moved past the sole Alicia Keys song. All of the songs are great and appropriate for this playlist for the same, but various reasons, but tonight, the lyrics from How It Feels To Fly stood out more than the other songs; the lyrical significance varies from day to day. Although I LOVE the entire song, my favorite lines are “Have you ever felt so lost/But didn't know until you were found?” I just love it.
It’s funny how one’s mental state works: I never missed it before; never longed for it; never gave it much thoughtat all. However, since it was introduced to my life, I miss it always; I long for it often; I think about it all the time.
