I’ve had an infatuation with all things French and
Parisian for quite some time now. I have
no idea what first piqued my interest, but something did and it’s only
increased since. Granted, my infatuation
seems to decrease, or rather, I get busy and forget how much I love it from
time to time. Then, I see a movie or
hear a song and I remember how much I love all things French. A couple of weeks ago, I was lying in bed watching “Sabrina”
thinking about how much I love Julia Ormond as an actress. I did a quick IMDB (I love that site/app) search
and realized that while I do in fact love Julia Ormond as an actress, I was
thinking of Paris born, Juliette Binoche.
An IMDB search on Juliette Binoche showed me that I’ve seen quite a few
of her movies, but there were many more of her French language or Parisian
based films that I still needed to see (based on their reviews). So I did what anyone would do: ordered them
on Amazon. Of course I couldn’t stop
there though, I ordered a few other “we recommend” French or Paris based films. And oh, I had to buy the highly rated “French
in 10 Minutes a Day” book too. Darn you,
Amazon. (And thank you.) But I digress. I was online for hours going back and forth between IMDB,
Google, and inevitably Amazon looking up and purchasing the best
French/Parisian films. Lucky for me, I’d
already seen several of the films on many lists I came across:
My freshman year of high school, when I had to take a
language, I registered for French.
Unfortunately for me, my mom found out and switched me to Spanish
because it was “more practical” and, all things considered, she was right. Unfortunately for both of us, my school’s
Spanish teacher’s first language was French; he spoke English 99.97% of the
time he taught my class; and most assignments were to be written in
English. Needless to say, in two and a
half years I learned absolutely no Spanish and no French. Some years later, I went to Paris for about a week and
officially fell in love. The people, the
culture, the language, the accent, I loved it all. I was only there for a brief period of time,
but after day one, I could see myself living there. One day, perhaps. Every time I start thinking about the next place I want to visit, I keep circling back around to Paris and other parts of France, but mainly Paris. Yes, I’ve been there. Yes, there are numerous other places I’d love to visit. Yet and still, my heart lies in Paris.
I’ve been sitting here listening to Alicia Keys’ How It Feels To Fly for far too long now. Just sitting here. Staring at my computer. Trying to figure out how to start a blog about “revelations” of sorts. A few things have crossed my mind, but I’ve realized that the main thing that’s on my mind right now is the same thing that’s been on it for months: various thoughts about my life and how it’s been affected and permanently altered over the past year and some weeks. Altered in a good way, mind you (though it doesn’t always seem like it). Altered in ways that leave me agonizing over decisions I’ve made and things I have or have not said. And though I’ve spent countless hours rehashing the ways that things have unfolded for me over the past year, sometimes (albeit very briefly) regretting choices I’ve made, I know that I really have no regrets.
So I find myself sitting here yet again. Thinking. About the same person and people that I’ve thought about at this time for months now. For one of those people, years. Not in a stalker type of way or anything. No, not at all. More so in a “What if” type of way. I lie in bed, attempting to sleep, but unable to do so because my mind has once again returned to those thoughts which it’s been unable to escape as of yet. Even on nights when I am completely and utterly exhausted, my mind drifts there, if only for a shorter stay than usual. And I think about things and how they played out and like the previous nights before, find that I have no regrets and am finally able to fall asleep. Why I can’t skip this draining thought process since I know that it’s going to have the same ending every time, I do not know. I’m not sure I’ll know what to do with myself when I finally figure that out. No, my mind takes me on the same journey, filled with questions and longing, every night.
I pray about it as I do every night and then sometimes, when my thoughts seem unbearable, I throw on my headphones and listen to my “One of those days” playlist. The only problem is, sometimes I still can’t fall asleep because the songs are hitting home so much. Tonight is one of those nights. I figured I’d get up and write about things that have been revealed to me and others over the past month, but as I stated earlier, I couldn’t even focus on that. So I’m sitting here, typing and listening to my trusty old playlist:
Hard as it was, I finally moved past the sole Alicia Keys song. All of the songs are great and appropriate for this playlist for the same, but various reasons, but tonight, the lyrics from How It Feels To Fly stood out more than the other songs; the lyrical significance varies from day to day. Although I LOVE the entire song, my favorite lines are “Have you ever felt so lost/But didn't know until you were found?” I just love it.
It’s funny how one’s mental state works: I never missed it before; never longed for it; never gave it much thoughtat all. However, since it was introduced to my life, I miss it always; I long for it often; I think about it all the time.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I’ve tried. Believe me, I’ve tried. But I can’t. You’re always there: when I’m going about my day; when I’m trying to study; when I’m talking to other people or merely people watching; when I’m trying to sleep; whenever. You’re always there. And no, I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing that you are; I’m just stating a fact. And the fact is: it sucks. Big time.
I’m fully aware of the realty of “things:” of how things are playing out –seemingly unspoken; of the fact that time is very quickly winding down; of the fact that I’m completely unsure about what the future holds –and for the first time not in a “Carpe diem,” “Que Sera Sera” type of way. I’m unsure about the future and dare I say, it scares me? But if I’m being honest with myself, it does indeed scare me. And the fact is: it sucks.
I can’t get you off of my mind. Some days I wish that I could, but I know that I really don’t want to. I suppose that in time I will –if I have to. Hopefully, I won’t have to. This isn’t me. I don’t have these problems. At least I didn’t think I did. The fact is, apparently, I do. And the fact is: it sucks. Big time.
I miss you. Strange, because you’re still here. My mind is playing tricks on me, I know. Telling me what the heart is going to want in the not too distant future.
I’m ready to go. I need to go. To get away. To write the next part in my “book of life.” Yet I wonder if and how you fit into the pages. I know you’re there somehow, I’m just not sure as to which pages I’ll find you on: what roll you’ll play in the grand scheme of the story; whether you’ll make appearances often at first and then slowly fade away; whether the reverse will happen; whether you’ll be a recurring and significant character in the story.
I wonder these things as I do with all books I read. With each page turned, I find myself guessing as to how the book is going to end and I find myself guessing as to how this particular story is going to end. It’s like one of those great books that comes to an abrupt end and leaves you wondering about how the story in fact plays out: what may or may not have happened to or between the characters at the end of the book; did they make it or didn’t’ they? Did that someone you’ve suspected all along complete the crime or didn’t they? What happened? You don’t know and you never will; the outcome of the story is solely up to you to determine; up to your imagination and rationale to fill in the blanks –to piece the story together.
It seems as though the ending will be one that is inconclusive and you’re left imagining how rationale will weave its way into the story. But it never does. It never does. And it’s up to you to fill in the blanks.
It’s strange, this book I’m writing. I keep taking wild guesses as to how it all plays out and after seemingly running every possible scenario through my mind the only thing I know is that I miss you. My imagination runs wild and rationale never kicks in and I imagine every possible scenario and, I miss you.
As of September 13th, I’ve officially been out of California for three years. Three years. Sometimes it seems like it’s been much longer than that and other times, it feels like I moved out here only yesterday. Though I’ve become greatly tired of this town and nearly all things that it does not have to offer, I know that I wouldn’t have grown and learned so much had I never moved out here.
Three years in this town has left me with a bittersweet taste for it –more bitter than sweet. Year one was scary and exciting and different from what I considered “normal.” Year two was one that enabled me to really learn more about the people in my life; the ones I could live without and the ones I couldn’t; the ones who disappointed me like I expected they would; the ones who turned out to be full of it and the ones who turned out to be liars; the ones who were too negative to talk to too often, if ever; the ones who were more uplifting than I could ever be. Simply put, year two was a challenging year for various reasons.
I was doing okay this past year, ready to go home, but okay –until my brother and cousin came out here and pointed out all of the things I’d mentally suppressed over the past couple of years: “Why does everyone drive the same speed?” “Why is no one ever in a hurry?” “Why does everyone smoke?” “The radio stations suck.” Etc., etc. Since they asked and said these things, my road rage (which I picked up out here) has been horrible and my tolerance for most things “Pittsburgh” has gone completely out the window.
With each passing day I’m over “it” more and more: I’m over the fact that most people I’ve come across consider bar-hopping every weekend to be rather enjoyable and have NO desire to do anything else. I’m over the fact that people don’t realize how little they actually do due to the bar-hopping issue. I’m over the way my lungs collapse almost every time I step out of my car because of the insane amount of smokers. I’m over the underwhelming desire of people to step outside of the city to see the rest of the world –not even for a vacation (no, West Virginia, DC, Ohio, and Maryland do not count). It wouldn’t be so bad if these were “older” people or people who have already experienced other parts of the world and what it has to offer; people who have done things outside of bars and have realized that they simply prefer the bar scene to everything else. No, these are people who have never done anything, never seen anything, and have no desire whatsoever to do so. I’m over it all.
I still find it mind boggling that once again, Pittsburgh is the number one city in the country to live in. Yes, there are many wonderful museums and a few lounges and galleries spread throughout town. Yes, there are countless bars. No, violence doesn’t seem as bad out here as it is in many other places. Yes, the Steelers and Penguins are here and both won their respective championships. Yes, the skyline is beautiful and the bridges boast their own mystique. But uhhh, what else? Dang near everyone smokes cigarettes and/or is grossly overweight. Once you’ve seen the museums a time or two, the novelty disappears. It seems like public schools are closing left and right each year and the city is tailored to two groups of people –one more so than the other. You can hike, camp, and fish nearby, but if you want to do something other than those three things, you’re in for a good little drive. But apparently, it’s the best city in the U.S. to live –go figure. I suppose if I were raised inhaling cigarette smoke and puffing a few myself, bar hopping, drinking beer while watching the Steelers and Pens games, and hiking or camping on occasion, I’d love this place. However, as someone who has not lived in a bubble her entire life, this town is for the birds.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a HUGE Steelers fan and always have been and I didn’t start watching hockey until I got out here, and I was excited when they won the Cup. I still find the skyline and the drive into the city to be breathtaking. I often have my moments (frustrated as I might be) when I’m driving around town and am stunned by the beauty that the city (well, the trees) has to offer. I’m still taken aback by the bright green leaves of spring and the colors of the fall and the purity of a fresh winter snowfall. I still find it crazy wonderful when it starts storming like mad completely out of the blue for a quick few minutes. I love the crispness of early fall mornings that give way to pleasantly warm and sunny days that return to cool and crisp evenings upon nightfall. I’m still amused when I step outside on sunny winter days and am slapped in the face by the cold because I forgot for a quick moment, that though the sun is out, it’s still winter.
Though the entire year has been one of prayer, growth and realizations, I’d say the past few months have been the culmination of my evolution out here. The months have been ones of unexpected firsts, further realizing who I can live without speaking to or seeing regularly and those who I hope to never have to –well, anytime soon anyway. Since meeting and working with many wonderful people at fantastic jobs, I’ve finally begun to get a grasp on the direction of the next phase of my life and how I’m going to get there. I’ve got a short while left in this town and though I’m anxious to go, I’m grateful for what I’ve learned about myself and others to this point in my life. The next few sure to be stressful months are going to be long, but quick, and full of anticipation, frustration, and much thought and I welcome it.
In a day or so or maybe later today, I’ll be posting my blog about my third year in Pittsburgh. So that you know what the past couple of years were like, I figured I’d refresh you on years one and two:
My Year in the Hole: Year One, September 2007
September 13th marked the one year "anniversary" of my leaving California for a world virtually unknown to me …
Fall 2006 –First Impressions:
I've learned the true definition of a Steelers fan: One who would literallydie for thePittsburgh Steelersand that 99.99% of all Pittsburgher's are Steelers fans who considers the mere mention of another team to be pure blasphemy –you'd dare not wear another teams insignia; that the same people that have yet to learn that the earth is in fact round, can tell you thatFranco Harris, Lynn Swan, Terry Bradshaw(in two different Super Bowls), andHines Wardwere the MVP's in Super BowlsIX, X, XIII, XIV, andXL; that tailgating does not begin one, two, three or more hours before a particular game, but that it begins 20 minutes after the last game of the previous season; that even when the2006 MLB All-Star Gamewas in Pittsburgh, the only sports memorabilia of any kind to be found anywhere, were Steelers items; that it is in fact possible to bleed black and gold -I've seen it ... on two separate occasions; that during football season, and every other day of the year for that matter, I often feel unworthy of declaring myself a "Steelers fan;" that if Jerome Bettissays anything –at all, it's as if his words were taken directly from the Bible; that …
For the fist time that I could remember, I actually had to wear some sort of jacket once October hit. I was so used to it still being a "warm" 80o at that time of the year. Ha. I guess that's why so many of my family and friends in Cali do not own any form of outerwear –it's simply not needed.
Fact –unable to be disputed: That in the fall, day or night, but especially at night, thePittsburgh Skyline is, by far, one of the most breathtaking visions I have ever seen. Ever. Period.
Fall! Oh my gosh! A stunning rainbow of leaves on the trees … on the ground … on my car! I actually have to wear a jacket! And those Steelers games –sixth row! Pshhh, just plain tight!!! Oh my gosh, I'm glad that I moved out here! …
Winter 2006/ 2007 –What the Hell?:
Everyone in Pittsburgh smokes. EVERYONE. Okay, save 3% of the city's population. In restaurants, right outside of all buildings, walking around –I thought smoking was banned in and around most places! I guess that's a Cali thing. Beats me. I swear they'd sell the "world's best: cigs and coffee" as a special at diners if it were possible.
I am now willing to state under oath that fall, winter, spring, and summer are actually seasons and that there are really places in which temperatures do in fact fall below 60o on a winter night. I never thought the day would come when I could honestly say that for a good part of the year, I was looking forward to the temperature rising back up to 10o, but after a few occasions of 10 below with a wind chill of 15 below, I've learned that you never know until you know. What I'll never understand, is how in below zero weather, everyone STILL smokes! That, I just don't get. I mean, the cold makes it hard enough to breathe anyway, is the added smoke in the lungs really that necessary? Geeze, my asthmatic behind cain't hardly breathe on a nice sunny day as is. I don't know. I'll get a headache thinking about this anymore, so let me move on …
Fact –still unable to be disputed: That in the winter, day or night, but especially at night, the Pittsburgh Skyline is, by far, one of the most breathtaking visions I have ever seen. Ever.
Ugh, this darn snow! Bare trees. Bare … everything! Cold ass weather. Dang depressing is what it is. Why. the. hell did I move to frikkin Pittsburgh, Pensyl-damn-vania?! Geeze, I couldn't just visit, could I? Ol' non-thinkin', spontaneous ass …
Spring 2007 –Epiphany:
After months of studying, I finally learned that a parkway is not a freeway. It's a parkway.
A parkway is not a freeway.
A parkway is not a freeway.
A parkway is not a freeway.
A park…
Whoever said that phones could in any way suffice for having an actual sit-down conversation with someone is CRAZY!! No way in hell that my talking to my twin every day makes up for seeing him even once a month. NO WAY. There's no way that talking to my cousins once a day, week, or month makes up for our monthly bowling and Denny's sessions. No way. There's no way that chatting with my sister and friends, whenever we're able to "catch" one another, is the same as hanging out and talking or chillin' 'til all hours of the night. No.way.
From the time I first returned (after six plus years) to Pittsburgh in June of '06, before my actual move here, I found it wonderfully rare to instantly become "best friends" with someone I hadn't seen in thirteen years and never even really knew then. I find it a blessing still, to be able to be stuck in a beautiful but foreign land with them for ten consecutive days for the full 24 hours of each day and be able to emerge with my sanity intact; to be ready to do it all over again at a moments (and few months pays) notice; to come back closer than ever; to be able to have a cousin that's more like a sister.
Don't get me wrong, I miss my twin, my other siblings, parents, and numerous other west coast relatives and friends so much more than words can ever convey, but I'm beyond glad to have at least one person where I am now that is like all of them rolled into one. Well, except for the twin –he's in a category all his own.
Fact –even still unable to be disputed: That in the spring, day or night, but especially at night, the Pittsburgh Skyline is, by far, one of the most breathtaking visions I have ever seen. Period.
Ahhh, goodness, flowers! Still snowing for whatever reason, but it's nice to see nature coming back to life. My allergies are KICKING MY ASS! Eh, comes with the territory, I guess. The snow's gone! It's starting to warm up! It's a clear 70o today –dangit I want to go to the beach! I've never missed the beach so much in my life! I don't know what was wrong with me –only going a few times a year. Ha, the things you take for granted ...
Summer 2007 –Lessons Learned:
It's crazy to me how alike my Pittsburgh relatives and I are (well, some of them, anyway) and how similar my mom is to her sister, whom she didn't really grow up with and seldom sees now. Genetics are just crazy to me. Plain crazy.
Okay, Pittsburgh to New York City is NOT as close as I once thought. Well, okay, that's the wrong thing to say. Let me rephrase; the drive from Pittsburgh to New York City (and back) is in no way comparable to the drive from Los Angeles to oh say, Sacramento/San Francisco/whatever. I mean, good gracious, time-wise? Sure, they're about the same. But the scenic route or lack of any kind of decent scenery makes the drive to NYC seem so much longer than it actually is. Granted my NASCAR driver of a cousin does make for excellent company on any road-trip, but WOWSERS. I guess I won't be driving to Connecticut anytime soon. Geeze, I don't even want to imagine that drive. Sorry, Sleaze. Hmm, perhaps a fall drive would be better –I've got to think about that one.
All summer long, I was trying to figure out which of the four seasons was the worst one. Well actually, which of the three seasons: winter, spring, and summer were worse –fall is hands down the best. Now, one would think that winter, with all of it's snow and black ice and sub-zero days would be the worse, but uhhh, I'm not so sure. This spring, my allergies were at an all-time … horrible. And this summer, what with the 90o and 90% humidity with an instant thunderstorm thrown in the mix days, my asthma killed me. I tell ya, I've never used my inhaler so much in my life! I mean, common sense says to "wear a jacket if it's raining," especially since umbrellas don't always work with that "sideways" rain. But when it's that dang hot and humid, what do you do?! Wear a jacket and just be remarkably hot? Stay inside? I don't know. So yeah, I'm still trying to figure out what was worse: Icy roads, a depressing landscape, and stupid cold weather, but no allergy or breathing issues? Dry roads, blooming flowers and trees, and suitable temperatures, but ultra bad allergies? Or the ultra clear skies and warm weather, but hardly being able to breathe? I don't know. I just don't know. Screw it –I'll just call it a three-way tie.
My whirlwind week home for the annual family beach trip (and because it'd been forever since my last visit) was GREAT! Exhausting, but great. I can't tell you how refreshing it was to see people with natural tans. I'd almost forgotten what they looked like. I'm so used to seeing so many spray-on, salon going orange folks out here, that the permanently tanned Californians were, simply put, visually pleasant. Orange/Oompa-Loompa-ness? No, thank you. I'll just be pasty-pale until my return to the west coast…
Fact –bona fide: That in the summer, day or night, but especially at night, the Pittsburgh Skyline is, by far, one of the most breathtaking visions I have ever seen. Come out here and try to say otherwise. Humph, not possible.
Dangit! I'm missing everything back in Cali! Mom's graduation … niece's graduation … cousin's wedding … Awww, I'm depressed. I am NOT missing the beach trip though! Not a chance in hell I am missing that. Ugh, why am I out here?! Cain't dang breathe …
Fall 2007 –Full Circle:
As I stated earlier, I have officially been in Pittsburgh for a full year now. Some days I regret my decision to leave. Some days I'm glad I left while I had the freedom to do so. Some days I find myself yearning to see and talk to my twin in person. Some days the phone is just fine. Some days I miss summer year-round. Some days I enjoy falling leaves, a fresh snowfall, new growth, and even humidity.
I've gotten to know so many details about my mother's side of the family and where she came from and I feel that as a result, in a sense, I've gotten to know my mother. I've met a multitude of cousins that I never even knew existed and as one of my brother's puts it: "It's like [I] have twice as many relatives now" and though I rarely talk to most of them for various reasons, it's still nice to know that they're out there and that I now know what they look and sound like –even if I never see them again …
If nothing else, I can say that my time here is "an experience:" All four seasons –that alone was worth the move; a new "best friend;" finally, truly appreciating where I came from –my family that I didn't fully cherish and their eternal support, my smoggy and grossly congested, yet magnificent, natural surroundings, and my life in general …
Fact –a year later: That in the fall, day or night …
The next time I decide to up and do anything even remotelythis darn random again, Bisha better do her job …
