Monday, January 19, 2015

Who I Am: I Warned You

The quote “When someone shows you their true colors, believe them” comes to mind too often.  A few weeks ago, in the midst of ridiculous, unavoidable madness I found myself inexplicably dragged into, I kept reciting this quote.  No, I didn't think they were bluffing when I first saw their colors all of those years ago and save the blind, others are finally opening their eyes to see the authentic hues too.  Still, there are none so blind as you who will not see. 

I kept thinking that I needed to get back to writing and needed to jot down the numerous thoughts running through my mind; then I remembered that I’d already done so in Who I Am: The Warning –nearly five years ago.  As I read what I’d written so long ago, every point rang true still and I realized that who I am at the core has not changed at all –others have.  Or worse, they still don’t even know who they are.  I read it and was disappointed and angered and hurt all over again as I thought of things that have come to light as of late.  Of the things I’ve had the misfortune of learning over the past couple of months.  That those who I thought knew me better than anyone else, don’t actually know me at all.  That I am far too loyal to undeserving people.  That relationships that I thought would never bend, are irrevocably broken. 

I’m not a complicated person by any means.  Quite the opposite actually.  I thought I made it clear years ago and quite a few times since and though my previous points remain the same, there are others that need to be spelled out and added to the list:
  • I firmly believe that you need therapy –for so many reasons that have nothing to do with me.
  • Don’t ambush me.  Ever.
  • I say what I mean.
  • I do what I say.
  • I consider others before I act or speak.
  • Unlike most, I actually attempt to see and understand things from all perspectives involved.
  • I don’t say anything behind one’s back that I haven’t or wouldn’t say to their face.
  • An apology in which you still don’t actually get “it” means nothing to me.
  • I don’t need an apology in order to forgive you; I forgave you long before you apologized.
  • I despise drama and therefore despise anyone who tries to force it upon me.
  • After a resolution is reached for some drama related issue, I loathe it being brought up again –for any reason.
  • I cannot stand people who possess the “woe is me” personality.
  • I am not malicious or vengeful.
  • I don’t hold grudges. 
  • I can only deal with so much before I completely break.
  • When I reach the point where I have nothing left in me regarding a certain person or circumstance, I won’t ever get “it” back.
  • Painful as it may be, I am capable of admitting and accepting defeat.
  • If you are never wrong and are always the victim, I automatically distrust you.
  • I don’t believe in doing something or not doing something because of the popular “excuse,” “but that’s your sibling/ cousin/ aunt/ uncle/ friend.”  And?
  • I am the same across the board with everyone (siblings/ cousins/ aunts/ uncles/ friends).
  • I do not and will never attempt to have a rational conversation, much less argue, with an irrational person.
  • I firmly believe that you need therapy –for so many reasons that have nothing to do with me.
That being said, those who know me know they don’t want to be exposed to my “bad” traits.  They don’t want to lose my loyalty or support or for me to reach my “done” point.  I’m not going to bad-mouth you, seek revenge, or hit you (as much as I might like to).  I’m not going to curse you out, argue with you, or let you see me get riled up.  That’s not me at all and you’re not worth my energy to refute.  No, you simply won’t exist to me anymore.  I can’t bad-mouth, seek revenge, or hit someone who ceases to exist.  It’s really that simple.  I realize this stage may be awkward for others to be around and will try my best to avoid said nuisance altogether.

I can honestly say that my biggest flaw is that I can’t go back to how things were before the final nail was hammered into the proverbial coffin.  I wish that I could forgive and forget and go back to how things were, but I can’t.  As stated before, I don’t function that way.  Yes, I forgive you.  No, I’m not angry.  But I do remember the countless events that led me to this point and am no longer able to trust you or your judgment or your actions where I am concerned.  I’m exhausted and drained and frustrated and I have no fight left in me and nothing left to say.  And our relationship will never be the same.  And it is heartbreaking.

I tried to warn you, verbally and in written form.  Multiple times.  But alas, here we are.

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