Who I Am: I Warned You

The quote “When someone shows you their true colors, believe them” comes to mind too often.  A few weeks ago, in the midst of ridiculous, unavoidable madness I found myself inexplicably dragged into, I kept reciting this quote.  No, I didn't think they were bluffing when I first saw their colors all of those years ago and save the blind, others are finally opening their eyes to see the authentic hues too.  Still, there are none so blind as you who will not see. 

I kept thinking that I needed to get back to writing and needed to jot down the numerous thoughts running through my mind; then I remembered that I’d already done so in Who I Am: The Warning –nearly five years ago.  As I read what I’d written so long ago, every point rang true still and I realized that who I am at the core has not changed at all –others have.  Or worse, they still don’t even know who they are.  I read it and was disappointed and angered and hurt all over again as I thought of things that have come to light as of late.  Of the things I’ve had the misfortune of learning over the past couple of months.  That those who I thought knew me better than anyone else, don’t actually know me at all.  That I am far too loyal to undeserving people.  That relationships that I thought would never bend, are irrevocably broken. 

I’m not a complicated person by any means.  Quite the opposite actually.  I thought I made it clear years ago and quite a few times since and though my previous points remain the same, there are others that need to be spelled out and added to the list:

• I firmly believe that you need therapy –for so many reasons that have nothing to do with me.
• Don’t ambush me.  Ever.
• I say what I mean.
• I do what I say.
• I consider others before I act or speak.
• Unlike most, I actually attempt to see and understand things from all perspectives involved.
• I don’t say anything behind one’s back that I haven’t or wouldn’t say to their face.
• An apology in which you still don’t actually get “it” means nothing to me.
• I don’t need an apology in order to forgive you; I forgave you long before you apologized.
• I despise drama and therefore despise anyone who tries to force it upon me.
• After a resolution is reached for some drama related issue, I loathe it being brought up again –for any reason.
• I cannot stand people who possess the “woe is me” personality.
• I am not malicious or vengeful.
• I don’t hold grudges. 
• I can only deal with so much before I completely break.
• When I reach the point where I have nothing left in me regarding a certain person or circumstance, I won’t ever get “it” back.
• Painful as it may be, I am capable of admitting and accepting defeat.
• If you are never wrong and are always the victim, I automatically distrust you.
• I don’t believe in doing something or not doing something because of the popular “excuse,” “but that’s your sibling/ cousin/ aunt/ uncle/ friend.”  And?
• I am the same across the board with everyone (siblings/ cousins/ aunts/ uncles/ friends).
• I do not and will never attempt to have a rational conversation, much less argue, with an irrational person.
• I firmly believe that you need therapy –for so many reasons that have nothing to do with me.

That being said, those who know me know they don’t want to be exposed to my “bad” traits.  They don’t want to lose my loyalty or support or for me to reach my “done” point.  I’m not going to bad-mouth you, seek revenge, or hit you (as much as I might like to).  I’m not going to curse you out, argue with you, or let you see me get riled up.  That’s not me at all and you’re not worth my energy to refute.  No, you simply won’t exist to me anymore.  I can’t bad-mouth, seek revenge, or hit someone who ceases to exist.  It’s really that simple.  I realize this stage may be awkward for others to be around and will try my best to avoid said nuisance altogether.

I can honestly say that my biggest flaw is that I can’t go back to how things were before the final nail was hammered into the proverbial coffin.  I wish that I could forgive and forget and go back to how things were, but I can’t.  As stated before, I don’t function that way.  Yes, I forgive you.  No, I’m not angry.  But I do remember the countless events that led me to this point and am no longer able to trust you or your judgment or your actions where I am concerned.  I’m exhausted and drained and frustrated and I have no fight left in me and nothing left to say.  And our relationship will never be the same.  And it is heartbreaking.

I tried to warn you, verbally and in written form.  Multiple times.  But alas, here we are.

Bird of Summer

I’ve been sitting here listening to Alicia Keys’ How It Feels To Fly for far too long now. Just sitting here. Staring at my computer. Trying to figure out how to start a blog about “revelations” of sorts. A few things have crossed my mind, but I’ve realized that the main thing that’s on my mind right now is the same thing that’s been on it for months: various thoughts about my life and how it’s been affected and permanently altered over the past year and some weeks. Altered in a good way, mind you (though it doesn’t always seem like it). Altered in ways that leave me agonizing over decisions I’ve made and things I have or have not said. And though I’ve spent countless hours rehashing the ways that things have unfolded for me over the past year, sometimes (albeit very briefly) regretting choices I’ve made, I know that I really have no regrets.

So I find myself sitting here yet again. Thinking. About the same person and people that I’ve thought about at this time for months now. For one of those people, years. Not in a stalker type of way or anything. No, not at all. More so in a “What if” type of way. I lie in bed, attempting to sleep, but unable to do so because my mind has once again returned to those thoughts which it’s been unable to escape as of yet. Even on nights when I am completely and utterly exhausted, my mind drifts there, if only for a shorter stay than usual. And I think about things and how they played out and like the previous nights before, find that I have no regrets and am finally able to fall asleep. Why I can’t skip this draining thought process since I know that it’s going to have the same ending every time, I do not know. I’m not sure I’ll know what to do with myself when I finally figure that out. No, my mind takes me on the same journey, filled with questions and longing, every night.

I pray about it as I do every night and then sometimes, when my thoughts seem unbearable, I throw on my headphones and listen to my “One of those days” playlist. The only problem is, sometimes I still can’t fall asleep because the songs are hitting home so much. Tonight is one of those nights. I figured I’d get up and write about things that have been revealed to me and others over the past month, but as I stated earlier, I couldn’t even focus on that. So I’m sitting here, typing and listening to my trusty old playlist:

A Fine Frenzy
1) Almost Lover
2) Think of You
3) Last of Days
4) Swan Song
5) Bird of Summer

Sugarland
1) What I’d Give
2) Fall Into Me
3) Wishing

Kelly Clarkson –Sober

Alicia Keys –How It Feels To Fly

Leona Lewis –Better in Time

Hard as it was, I finally moved past the sole Alicia Keys song. All of the songs are great and appropriate for this playlist for the same, but various reasons, but tonight, the lyrics from How It Feels To Fly stood out more than the other songs; the lyrical significance varies from day to day. Although I LOVE the entire song, my favorite lines are “Have you ever felt so lost/But didn't know until you were found?” I just love it.

It’s funny how one’s mental state works: I never missed it before; never longed for it; never gave it much thought at all. However, since it was introduced to my life, I miss it always; I long for it often; I think about it all the time.

“Three months and it's still harder now …”

Who I Am: The Warning

Who am I?

• I am the most loyal person you’ve ever met.
• I am the most honest (brutally so) person you may come to know.
• I am the most caring person you’ve met.
• I am someone who loves deeply.
• I am the most generous person you know.
• I am sure of myself.
• I am spontaneous.
• I am confident in myself.
• I know who I am now and who I want to mature to be in the years to come.
• I am a person who does not second guess herself.
• I am open-minded.
• I am non-judgmental.
• I am a woman who does not hold grudges or seek revenge.
• I am that woman who does not forget.
• I am someone who remembers why I stop dealing with a person and if asked, could recount the laundry list of “things” that led to such a decision.
• I am a person who does not need accolades.
• I am someone who doesn’t need recognition.
• I am someone who prefers to remain in the background.
• I am sometimes easily annoyed.
• I am irked by people who always seem to “forget” things that are clearly spoken about, often.
• I am the best listener you could wish to speak to.
• I am very introspective.
• I am compassionate.
• I am the one who, though I may not follow it, will respect your opinion until you give me reason to no longer respect you.
• I am not to be confused with your other friends; I guarantee that my relationship with you is not like the one you have with them.
• I am one of a kind.
• I am evolving as a person and could only continue to surround myself with those who are evolving as well.
• I am your best friend until you make me your enemy.
• I am that person who once done with you, is done with you for good.
• I am grateful for all that I am and for all that I have.
• I am that person you don’t want to screw with.

How I operate:

• Though there are times in which I am easily annoyed by a person or situation and though I don’t second guess decisions once they are made, I am reflective in my decision-making process. When I do find that my mind jumps to a certain conclusion or has a particular reaction to something or someone, I stop and think about the situation from every angle imaginable. If I feel that there is a chance that I still may be a bit rash in my thought process, I ask the opinion of one or two of a select few people whose opinions I value tremendously. Thinking this way and asking for others’ opinions on the rare occasion that they’re needed assures me that the response I do verbalize (which is generally my first reaction) is a rational one.
• I do not intentionally set out to hurt anyone or make fools of people, so I do not think too much about you if I hurt your feelings. Whatever I may have said was spoken in honesty and out of love. If you’re sensitive, you’ll get over it. If you think you have thick skin and you find your feelings a bit hurt, you’ll get over it. If you find that you simply can’t handle my brutal honesty, move on to a new friend.
• I respect you and your wishes and expect you to offer the same courtesy. Because I am very private when it comes to my personal life, I expect you to know that I don’t want personal matters posted online for the world to see; when I tell you these things after the fact, I don’t expect them to happen again. Once they do, I realize that you simply don’t respect my wishes and as a result, I am no longer capable of respecting you as much.
• You who allow me to by myself, who allow me to be all of the “good” things that I am, who know that I will never intentionally hurt you, who realize that I analyze and re-analyze things I say before I actually utter them, know never to screw with me; there’s no need to. There’s no need to “try” me, to see how far you could push my buttons, to see how long it will take until I finally snap. You who know me know that you don’t want me to snap.
• I care about you. I love you. I worry about your well-being. I am here for you at any time of any day. I will support you. I ask for nothing in return. I don’t ask, but I do advise that you don’t screw with me; don’t try my generosity, my love for you or someone else, my good intentions, or any of my other “good” traits. You don’t want to be exposed to those which are considered “bad.”
• On the occasion that you repeatedly try me or what I stand for or aspire to represent through my life, I will cut you off. Rest assured, it will be a difficult thing to do. It will. But it will be done, nonetheless. Contrary to your belief, I do not enjoy cutting ties with people I love or once loved dearly, but at this stage in my life (and I’m sure this sentiment will only increase), I love myself too much to deal with people who only seem to pull me down. So while I do not enjoy eliminating people from my life, I dare you to screw with me on too many occasions; purge you from my life, I will.

How this pertains to you:

• You’d be wise to remember who I am.

Part 2 - Who I Am: I Warned You

Still Undefeated

ra⋅tion⋅ale
-noun

1. the fundamental reason or reasons serving to account for something.
2. a statement of reasons.
3. a reasoned exposition of principles.

Synonyms:

1. logic, basis, grounds.

My brother once told me that I’m too logical, that I think with my head too much. Funny, because it’s true: that I think with my head too often and rarely ever with my heart. Funny too, because who would think that there’s such a thing as being too logical?

I always thought that people were too naïve, that they weren’t logical enough. I always thought that those who weren’t very logical were dumb in a way and the lines they fell for and the lies they fell for baffled me to no end. Yet in a way, I envied them. I envied the fact that they could let their heart take over and throw all logic aside: that they didn’t rationalize situations and weigh the pros and cons of every opportunity that presented itself; that even when they did, they often threw the logical choice out of the window and instead followed their heart. I envied them then and I envy them still.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately: about this and that and him and her and them –in a nutshell, about everything. I try to shut off my mind, but I just can’t seem to. Even in my sleep I find myself dreaming about this and that and him and her and them and each time, the rational outcome prevails. At first thought, the topic or subject is ruled by my heart, but it never fails –eventually, my more logical self takes over and the outcome is one built on a logical thought process. It never fails, but for once, I’d like that to not be the case.

Even when I try to let my heart overtake my mind and when I think that at last it has succeeded, in creeps my old friend, Rationale, to stomp on my heart so that no one else can. But hey, I guess I might as well do it to myself instead of letting someone else do it, right?

The Unknown

I miss you. Strange, because you’re still here. My mind is playing tricks on me, I know. Telling me what the heart is going to want in the not too distant future.

I’m ready to go. I need to go. To get away. To write the next part in my “book of life.” Yet I wonder if and how you fit into the pages. I know you’re there somehow, I’m just not sure as to which pages I’ll find you on: what roll you’ll play in the grand scheme of the story; whether you’ll make appearances often at first and then slowly fade away; whether the reverse will happen; whether you’ll be a recurring and significant character in the story.

I wonder these things as I do with all books I read. With each page turned, I find myself guessing as to how the book is going to end and I find myself guessing as to how this particular story is going to end. It’s like one of those great books that comes to an abrupt end and leaves you wondering about how the story in fact plays out: what may or may not have happened to or between the characters at the end of the book; did they make it or didn’t’ they? Did that someone you’ve suspected all along complete the crime or didn’t they? What happened? You don’t know and you never will; the outcome of the story is solely up to you to determine; up to your imagination and rationale to fill in the blanks –to piece the story together.

It seems as though the ending will be one that is inconclusive and you’re left imagining how rationale will weave its way into the story. But it never does. It never does. And it’s up to you to fill in the blanks.

It’s strange, this book I’m writing. I keep taking wild guesses as to how it all plays out and after seemingly running every possible scenario through my mind the only thing I know is that I miss you. My imagination runs wild and rationale never kicks in and I imagine every possible scenario and, I miss you.

Stumped

I’ve wanted to write a blog for a little while now, but haven’t had the time and now that I have a few minutes to spare, I can’t think of anything to write. A couple of ideas have crossed my mind when I’m drifting to sleep or when I’m unable to write them down, yet I now find my mind blank where this matter is concerned. I’ve started and stopped one idea after another and nothing seems to take. I mulled over writing random thoughts about dudes like:

• Some dude fell asleep at the wheel and rolled back into my brother’s car last night while he was waiting at a stop light; it seemed that no amount of honking my brother did could wake the guy. Dude got out of the car and had the nerve to ask him “What happened?” *blank stare* While my brother was looking at the car, the dude hopped back in his old school O.J. Simpson Bronco and sped off before my brother could get his information (I think the randomness of it all impaired my brother’s judgment which is why he didn’t immediately write down dude’s plates). At any rate, I have no clue why dude thought he’d be able to successfully outrun a fairly new Infiniti in an old, beat up Bronco. I mean, come on, guy. That must’ve been some nap he had. So anyway, my brother chased him down and got his plates in case there was any damage to his car (he couldn’t really tell because it was too dark), which fortunately, there wasn’t. Folks are a mess.

• Some dude jumped over the table and socked Leona Lewis at her book signing at some store in London for no apparent reason. What the heck has gotten into folks these days? Of all people to attack, Leona Lewis? Really?

• Some dude of a particular persuasion was walking around in a T-Shirt, shorts, and sandals like it’s nothing. It was like 32 degrees and windy at the time! I tell ya.

• Some dude … eh, I’m over it.

Then I started writing about this, that, and the other: I thought about just posting the lyrics to Jill Scott’s “Crown Royal” just because it’s a great two second song that I wish was longer. Come on now, you can’t say that you heard this song and didn’t instantly love it …

Your hands on my hips pull me right back to you

I catch that thrust, give it right back to you
You're in so deep, I'm breathing for you

You grab my braids arch my back high for you

Your diesel engine, I'm squirting mad oil
Down on the floor ‘til my speaker starts to boil
I flip s**t, quick slip, hip dip, and I'm twisted
In your hands and your lips and your tongue tricks
And you're so thick and you're so thick and you're so

Crown Royal on ice, Crown Royal on ice (On Ice)
Crown Royal on ice, Crown Royal on ice (On Ice)

Ah yeah, great song. If you haven’t actually heard her sing it –live or at least on the album-you’re trippin’. But anyway, I didn’t want to post a blog of song lyrics; maybe one of these days I will, but not today.

I thought that I’d write about that place where my mind always seems to rest as of late. The place it immediately drifts to when I’m not studying or at work or talking to someone (or even when I am) or doing something else. The place it’s been resting for a while now. I considered writing about that, but quickly realized that I didn’t want to go there today either. So I scrolled through a few of my older blogs and noticed that it’d been a while since I last wrote a “Things That Irk Me” and I thought about doing another one of those. That idea was nixed when I soon realized that there aren’t too many things that have irked me lately; I’ve eliminated most of the people and things from my life that inspired those blogs, and though there are things that bother me still, most of them would be redundant.

So I’m sitting here with an urge to write, but am at a loss as to what about …