Gradually

You helped me out once upon a time and provided an opportunity for me to get my thoughts together and so I gave you a chance far longer than I would have many others. However, time and again you proved that you didn’t deserve chances: in the way you treated your family –particularly your mother and sisters; the few friends you had; even yourself. I’ve stumbled upon many jackasses in my life thus far and I must say you, Sir, take the cake –by far.

When I see you, I have absolutely nothing to say, because over the years I’ve gradually and completely removed myself from the equation …

There was a time when I called you about any and everything and confided in you almost more than I did any other person. I’m sure I had my moments when I was quite demanding, but I like to think those demanding moments were mutual between us. As time wore on, we both evolved and unfortunately, I think that our evolution led us along drastically different personality paths. I guess that’s to be expected to some extent, but it’s become more and more difficult for me to cope with such differences. I’m unable to deal with your constant need for recognition in even the moments that have absolutely nothing to do with you; the moments that truly belong to someone else, but are stolen by you.

I have no right to ask you to change who you’ve become and who you truly are, so instead I’ve gradually removed myself from the equation …

The last few years have been rough on you and I understand your reasons for withdrawing from people. That being said, I don’t understand your reasons for keeping your son from people; nearly all attempts to get in contact with you, if only to see if you’re okay are shunned, and attempts to contact or hang out with your son are averted. I used to try to see him: to take him out every now and again; to let him know that though he doesn’t see certain people too often, they do still love and think about him. More often than not, those attempts proved futile. Again, I understand that you’ve had a tough time, but I can’t comprehend why you make it impossible for your son to see people.

Though these decisions make no sense to me, they must to you; so until you are ready to rejoin the world, I’ve gradually removed myself from the equation …

It seems as though I’ve known you forever; I’m unable to recall a time in my life in which you weren’t a part of it. We’ve done many things together and yet nothing at all. I know or knew virtually everything about you and though outsiders assume that the reverse is true as well, it definitely isn’t. Although you can be a really sweet person at times, I realized some time ago that among other unflattering characteristics, you were extremely petty and immature: I’ve witnessed far too many accounts that have served to ascertain my assumptions. As of late, your actions, while not shocking to me, have been appalling to others and for them have served as a segue from your once bubbly, poised, and often fake personality to the petty and immature person I’ve known you to be many times before. Though we get along perfectly fine and I do like seeing and talking to you when an ulterior motive is not present, I can’t shake the notion that someday soon, your pettiness and immaturity will be directed towards me and our friendship will cease to exist. I’ve known you forever, but only one of us seems to have matured past the age we were when we first met.

Things don’t seem to be going your way and because you’re doing it yourself, I don’t need to gradually remove myself from the equation …

I realize that we’re similar and yet very different people. That being said, I can’t grasp what it’s like to want or need a man all the time. I just don’t get it. Yes, you’re fully capable of functioning without one, but the world is aware of how much not having one at all times affects you. It’s cool if you need one at all times, but I don’t; nor do I feel the urge to talk about one or my lack thereof at all times.

Until you truly find yourself, I’m gradually removing myself from the equation …

You are the most self-centered, backstabbing, conniving, fake person I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing. It’s unfortunate, but it is definitely the case. I would never wish the “real” you upon anyone –friend or foe.

I’m guessing that shortly after you plotted your extraction from the lives of everyone you knew, I gradually removed myself from the equation that is you …

I wonder how many people know you get down how you get down. There was a time when I used to think that you were all or mostly talk, but at some point, I realized that you actually walked the walk. That’s not a compliment. Though I’ve asked you a few times why you do the things you do, the answers that I receive inevitably come down to the fact that you don’t know –or so you say. I know you’re young and you’re having fun, but this isn’t the age when such things need to be done so lightly. Your lack of regard for your own safety, health, and reputation is not okay and I just don’t get down like that.

Hopefully you’ll figure things out one day, but until then, I’ve gradually removed myself from the equation …

Bird of Summer

I’ve been sitting here listening to Alicia Keys’ How It Feels To Fly for far too long now. Just sitting here. Staring at my computer. Trying to figure out how to start a blog about “revelations” of sorts. A few things have crossed my mind, but I’ve realized that the main thing that’s on my mind right now is the same thing that’s been on it for months: various thoughts about my life and how it’s been affected and permanently altered over the past year and some weeks. Altered in a good way, mind you (though it doesn’t always seem like it). Altered in ways that leave me agonizing over decisions I’ve made and things I have or have not said. And though I’ve spent countless hours rehashing the ways that things have unfolded for me over the past year, sometimes (albeit very briefly) regretting choices I’ve made, I know that I really have no regrets.

So I find myself sitting here yet again. Thinking. About the same person and people that I’ve thought about at this time for months now. For one of those people, years. Not in a stalker type of way or anything. No, not at all. More so in a “What if” type of way. I lie in bed, attempting to sleep, but unable to do so because my mind has once again returned to those thoughts which it’s been unable to escape as of yet. Even on nights when I am completely and utterly exhausted, my mind drifts there, if only for a shorter stay than usual. And I think about things and how they played out and like the previous nights before, find that I have no regrets and am finally able to fall asleep. Why I can’t skip this draining thought process since I know that it’s going to have the same ending every time, I do not know. I’m not sure I’ll know what to do with myself when I finally figure that out. No, my mind takes me on the same journey, filled with questions and longing, every night.

I pray about it as I do every night and then sometimes, when my thoughts seem unbearable, I throw on my headphones and listen to my “One of those days” playlist. The only problem is, sometimes I still can’t fall asleep because the songs are hitting home so much. Tonight is one of those nights. I figured I’d get up and write about things that have been revealed to me and others over the past month, but as I stated earlier, I couldn’t even focus on that. So I’m sitting here, typing and listening to my trusty old playlist:

A Fine Frenzy
1) Almost Lover
2) Think of You
3) Last of Days
4) Swan Song
5) Bird of Summer

Sugarland
1) What I’d Give
2) Fall Into Me
3) Wishing

Kelly Clarkson –Sober

Alicia Keys –How It Feels To Fly

Leona Lewis –Better in Time

Hard as it was, I finally moved past the sole Alicia Keys song. All of the songs are great and appropriate for this playlist for the same, but various reasons, but tonight, the lyrics from How It Feels To Fly stood out more than the other songs; the lyrical significance varies from day to day. Although I LOVE the entire song, my favorite lines are “Have you ever felt so lost/But didn't know until you were found?” I just love it.

It’s funny how one’s mental state works: I never missed it before; never longed for it; never gave it much thought at all. However, since it was introduced to my life, I miss it always; I long for it often; I think about it all the time.

“Three months and it's still harder now …”

Who I Am: The Warning

Who am I?

• I am the most loyal person you’ve ever met.
• I am the most honest (brutally so) person you may come to know.
• I am the most caring person you’ve met.
• I am someone who loves deeply.
• I am the most generous person you know.
• I am sure of myself.
• I am spontaneous.
• I am confident in myself.
• I know who I am now and who I want to mature to be in the years to come.
• I am a person who does not second guess herself.
• I am open-minded.
• I am non-judgmental.
• I am a woman who does not hold grudges or seek revenge.
• I am that woman who does not forget.
• I am someone who remembers why I stop dealing with a person and if asked, could recount the laundry list of “things” that led to such a decision.
• I am a person who does not need accolades.
• I am someone who doesn’t need recognition.
• I am someone who prefers to remain in the background.
• I am sometimes easily annoyed.
• I am irked by people who always seem to “forget” things that are clearly spoken about, often.
• I am the best listener you could wish to speak to.
• I am very introspective.
• I am compassionate.
• I am the one who, though I may not follow it, will respect your opinion until you give me reason to no longer respect you.
• I am not to be confused with your other friends; I guarantee that my relationship with you is not like the one you have with them.
• I am one of a kind.
• I am evolving as a person and could only continue to surround myself with those who are evolving as well.
• I am your best friend until you make me your enemy.
• I am that person who once done with you, is done with you for good.
• I am grateful for all that I am and for all that I have.
• I am that person you don’t want to screw with.

How I operate:

• Though there are times in which I am easily annoyed by a person or situation and though I don’t second guess decisions once they are made, I am reflective in my decision-making process. When I do find that my mind jumps to a certain conclusion or has a particular reaction to something or someone, I stop and think about the situation from every angle imaginable. If I feel that there is a chance that I still may be a bit rash in my thought process, I ask the opinion of one or two of a select few people whose opinions I value tremendously. Thinking this way and asking for others’ opinions on the rare occasion that they’re needed assures me that the response I do verbalize (which is generally my first reaction) is a rational one.
• I do not intentionally set out to hurt anyone or make fools of people, so I do not think too much about you if I hurt your feelings. Whatever I may have said was spoken in honesty and out of love. If you’re sensitive, you’ll get over it. If you think you have thick skin and you find your feelings a bit hurt, you’ll get over it. If you find that you simply can’t handle my brutal honesty, move on to a new friend.
• I respect you and your wishes and expect you to offer the same courtesy. Because I am very private when it comes to my personal life, I expect you to know that I don’t want personal matters posted online for the world to see; when I tell you these things after the fact, I don’t expect them to happen again. Once they do, I realize that you simply don’t respect my wishes and as a result, I am no longer capable of respecting you as much.
• You who allow me to by myself, who allow me to be all of the “good” things that I am, who know that I will never intentionally hurt you, who realize that I analyze and re-analyze things I say before I actually utter them, know never to screw with me; there’s no need to. There’s no need to “try” me, to see how far you could push my buttons, to see how long it will take until I finally snap. You who know me know that you don’t want me to snap.
• I care about you. I love you. I worry about your well-being. I am here for you at any time of any day. I will support you. I ask for nothing in return. I don’t ask, but I do advise that you don’t screw with me; don’t try my generosity, my love for you or someone else, my good intentions, or any of my other “good” traits. You don’t want to be exposed to those which are considered “bad.”
• On the occasion that you repeatedly try me or what I stand for or aspire to represent through my life, I will cut you off. Rest assured, it will be a difficult thing to do. It will. But it will be done, nonetheless. Contrary to your belief, I do not enjoy cutting ties with people I love or once loved dearly, but at this stage in my life (and I’m sure this sentiment will only increase), I love myself too much to deal with people who only seem to pull me down. So while I do not enjoy eliminating people from my life, I dare you to screw with me on too many occasions; purge you from my life, I will.

How this pertains to you:

• You’d be wise to remember who I am.

Part 2 - Who I Am: I Warned You

Think of You Still

I can’t get you off of my mind. I’ve tried. Believe me, I’ve tried. But I can’t. You’re always there: when I’m going about my day; when I’m trying to study; when I’m talking to other people or merely people watching; when I’m trying to sleep; whenever. You’re always there. And no, I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing that you are; I’m just stating a fact. And the fact is: it sucks. Big time.

I’m fully aware of the realty of “things:” of how things are playing out –seemingly unspoken; of the fact that time is very quickly winding down; of the fact that I’m completely unsure about what the future holds –and for the first time not in a “Carpe diem,” “Que Sera Sera” type of way. I’m unsure about the future and dare I say, it scares me? But if I’m being honest with myself, it does indeed scare me. And the fact is: it sucks.

I can’t get you off of my mind. Some days I wish that I could, but I know that I really don’t want to. I suppose that in time I will –if I have to. Hopefully, I won’t have to. This isn’t me. I don’t have these problems. At least I didn’t think I did. The fact is, apparently, I do. And the fact is: it sucks. Big time.

The Unknown

I miss you. Strange, because you’re still here. My mind is playing tricks on me, I know. Telling me what the heart is going to want in the not too distant future.

I’m ready to go. I need to go. To get away. To write the next part in my “book of life.” Yet I wonder if and how you fit into the pages. I know you’re there somehow, I’m just not sure as to which pages I’ll find you on: what roll you’ll play in the grand scheme of the story; whether you’ll make appearances often at first and then slowly fade away; whether the reverse will happen; whether you’ll be a recurring and significant character in the story.

I wonder these things as I do with all books I read. With each page turned, I find myself guessing as to how the book is going to end and I find myself guessing as to how this particular story is going to end. It’s like one of those great books that comes to an abrupt end and leaves you wondering about how the story in fact plays out: what may or may not have happened to or between the characters at the end of the book; did they make it or didn’t’ they? Did that someone you’ve suspected all along complete the crime or didn’t they? What happened? You don’t know and you never will; the outcome of the story is solely up to you to determine; up to your imagination and rationale to fill in the blanks –to piece the story together.

It seems as though the ending will be one that is inconclusive and you’re left imagining how rationale will weave its way into the story. But it never does. It never does. And it’s up to you to fill in the blanks.

It’s strange, this book I’m writing. I keep taking wild guesses as to how it all plays out and after seemingly running every possible scenario through my mind the only thing I know is that I miss you. My imagination runs wild and rationale never kicks in and I imagine every possible scenario and, I miss you.